these goddamn things.
Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels
were high in cholesterol.
Thank you, Catherine.
I'll try and trap it.
Russ!
We're here, Dad.
There you are.
Go get the hammer.
What do you need a hammer for?
I'll catch it in the coat
and smack it with the hammer.
I'm going in with him.
Nora?
Is it gone?
It probably got scared
and ran back into the tree.
Squirrel!
You just march right over there
and slug that creep in the face.
I can't just attack someone.
All right, then. If you're not man enough
to put an end to this shit, then I am.
Gone.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
Where do you think you're going?
Nobody's leaving.
Nobody walks out
on this old-fashioned family Christmas.
No, we're all in this together.
This is a full-blown,
four-alarm holiday emergency.
We're going to press on
and have the happiest Christmas...
...since Bing Crosby tap-danced
with Danny fucking Kaye.
And when Santa squeezes
his fat, white ass down the chimney...
...he's gonna find the jolliest bunch
of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
You're goofy.
Don't piss me off, Art.
- It's over.
- Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't.
Stay out of this, Dad.
Clark, I think it's best
if everyone just goes home.
Before things get worse.
Worse?! How could they get any worse?
Look around you, Ellen.
We're at the threshold of hell!
Son.
I love you. We all love you.
But this is a terrible night.
Nothing's gone right. It's a disaster.
But losing your temper
only makes things worse.
You're too good a father to act like this.
In years to come, you'll want your family
to remember all the love you gave us...
...and how hard you tried
to make the perfect Christmas.
You just cocked it up.
It's okay. It happens.
All our holidays were always such a mess.
How did you get through it?
I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
I love you.
Will you recite
"The Night Before Christmas"?
No. It's your house.
It's your Christmas.
I'm retiring.
"The children were nestled
All snug in their beds
"While visions of sugarplums
Danced in their heads
"And Mama in her kerchief
"And I in my cap, just settled our brains
For a long winter's nap
"When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
"I sprang from my bed
To see what was the matter
"Away to the window I flew like a flash
"Tore open the shutters
and threw up the sash
"The moon on the breast of
the new-fallen snow
"Gave a luster of midday to objects below
"When what to my wondering eyes
should appear
"But a miniature sleigh..."
...and Eddie.
And a man in his pajamas
with a dog chain...
...tied to his wrists and ankles.
What the...?
Stay here.
Merry Christmas, Clark.
You about ready to do some kissin'?
Officer, it seems
my husband has been abducted.
The man was wearing a blue leisure suit...
...and the plates were from Kansas.
He was a huge, beastly, bulging man.
I have never been treated
like this in my life.
I'm sorry.
This is our family's first kidnapping.
You're fired.
Where's the phone? I'm calling the police.
Just hold your wad there, fella.
Clark had nothin' to do with this.
This here was my idea.
All right. He's still fired
and you are going to jail.
It was my fault.
I lost my temper when I got my bonus
and I said a few things I shouldn't have.
Bonus? How did you get a bonus?
I cut out bonuses this year.
Thanks for telling us.
I was expecting a check.
Instead I got enrolled in a jelly club.
In 17 years with the company, I've gotten
a bonus every year, but this one.
You don't want to give bonuses, fine!
When people count on them
as part of their salary...
What you did just plain...
Sucks.
Thank you, Russ.
My cousin-in-law,
whose heart is bigger than his brain...
I appreciate that.
...is innocent. I'll be more than happy
to take the rap on this...
...on behalf of myself and every other
employee you rear-ended this Christmas.
Sometimes things look good
on paper, but...
...lose