..
...and I want to tell him
what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten...
...low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating,
inbred, overstuffed...
...ignorant, bloodsucking,
brainless, dickless, hopeless...
...heartless, fat-assed, bug-eyed,
stiff-legged, spotty-lipped...
...worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is!
Hallelujah!
Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?
He has that crazy look in his eye.
I told you we should have gone to Hawaii.
Turn that thing off and get in the house!
I'll talk to him, Mom.
You know, Dad...
...l've been thinking.
Good talk.
Aren't you a teeny bit sorry
we didn't get a Christmas tree?
Even though they're dirty and messy
and corny and clichйd?
Where are you going to find a tree
at this hour on Christmas Eve?
What's the matter?
Was that really necessary?
We needed a tree.
May I remind you that...
That this was all my idea?
No, no. I'm well aware of that.
Could you just keep it in mind
the next time you go berserk?
I didn't go berserk.
I simply solved a problem.
We needed a coffin.
A tree. There are no lots open
on Christmas Eve.
Louis burned down my tree
so I replaced it as best I could. Voilа...
Are you okay?
I'm fine, honey.
I fixed the newel post.
What's that sound?
Do you hear it?
It's a funny, squeaking sound.
You couldn't hear a dump truck
driving through a nitroglycerin plant.
I hear it, too.
I don't hear it anymore.
Squirrel!
What was it? Oh, my God!
Quiet! Shut up!
Mom, don't move.
We can't let it out of the living room.
Where's Eddie?
He usually eats these goddamn things.
Not recently, Clark. He read that squirrels
were high in cholesterol.
Thank you, Catherine.
I'll try and trap it.
Russ!
We're here, Dad.
There you are.
Go get the hammer.
What do you need a hammer for?
I'll catch it in the coat
and smack it with the hammer.
I'm going in with him.
Nora?
Is it gone?
It probably got scared
and ran back into the tree.
Squirrel!
You just march right over there
and slug that creep in the face.
I can't just attack someone.
All right, then. If you're not man enough
to put an end to this shit, then I am.
Gone.
Oh, my God.
What happened to you?
Where do you think you're going?
Nobody's leaving.
Nobody walks out
on this old-fashioned family Christmas.
No, we're all in this together.
This is a full-blown,
four-alarm holiday emergency.
We're going to press on
and have the happiest Christmas...
...since Bing Crosby tap-danced
with Danny fucking Kaye.
And when Santa squeezes
his fat, white ass down the chimney...
...he's gonna find the jolliest bunch
of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
You're goofy.
Don't piss me off, Art.
- It's over.
- Not according to Santa's watch, it isn't.
Stay out of this, Dad.
Clark, I think it's best
if everyone just goes home.
Before things get worse.
Worse?! How could they get any worse?
Look around you, Ellen.
We're at the threshold of hell!
Son.
I love you. We all love you.
But this is a terrible night.
Nothing's gone right. It's a disaster.
But losing your temper
only makes things worse.
You're too good a father to act like this.
In years to come, you'll want your family
to remember all the love you gave us...
...and how hard you tried
to make the perfect Christmas.
You just cocked it up.
It's okay. It happens.
All our holidays were always such a mess.
How did you get through it?
I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.
I love you.
Will you recite
"The Night Before Christmas"?
No. It's your house.
It's your Christmas.
I'm retiring.
"The children were nestled
All snug in their beds
"While visions of sugarplums
Danced in their heads
"And Mama in her kerchief
"And I in my cap, just settled our brains
For a long winter's nap
"When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
"I sprang from my bed
To see what was the matter
"Away to the window I flew like a flash
"Tore open the shutters
and threw up the sash
"The moon on the breast of
the new-fallen snow
"