three.
Right. I don't know if you've met
my regular understudy, Mr Lightman.
He's a most dependable fellow.
Sir, you have the honour
of playing my understudy.
Well, I shall take this opportunity
to withdraw from the engagement.
You are one of life's understudies!
If tonight goes wrong,
we'll be at war within a week.
Have faith.
Whatever else may go wrong,
your words will command admiration.
They always do.
Lizzie. You're looking pale.
Molly, work the magic of your art on Mrs Barry.
There's the French ambassador.
No. Makes me weepy.
* All you ladies of Merrie England
who have been to kiss the duchess's hand
* Pray did you lately observe in the show
* A noble Italian called Signor Dildo?
I weep, but from a different end.
* Who helped to conduct her over the Main
* But now she cries out, "To the Duke I will go"
* "I have no more need for Signor Dildo!"
* The good Lady Southesk broke into a laugh
Very good, this Italian workmanship.
People pay more for quality.
* The fops were undone,
did their graces but know
* The discretion and vigour of Signor Dildo
I'd like to meet the man who wrote this.
* Then away with these nasty devices and show
* How you rate the just merits of Signor Dildo
* Ooh, aah, Signor Dildo
* Ooh, aah, Signor Dildo
Thus in the zenith of my lust I reign.
I eat to swive and swive to eat again.
Let other monarchs who their sceptres bear
to keep their subjects less in love than fear
be slaves to crowns
My nation shall be free.
My pintle only shall my sceptre be.
My laws shall act more pleasure than command
and with my prick, I'll govern all the land.
Chas, tell me this ain't happening.
He's gonna get his prick out any second.
I can feel it in my water.
It's very amusing, because in France
he would be executed for this.
The King commands all men
from humid cunt to humane arsonist
Buggery we choose and buggery we'll allow
I do proclaim the manly arse so firm
shall be the sole recipient
of sperm!
CHARLES ll:
Lord Rochester, this portrayal of yours...
.. would it be based on a particular monarch?
No, Your Highness.
My character is far too fantastic a creation
ever to have drawn breath.
Now resume your seat.
You're intruding on my stage.
No, you're intruding on mine.
I hand you a chance to show your shining talent
and what do you give me in return?
A pornographic representation of a royal court
where the men deal only in buggery
and the women's sole object of interest
is the dildo!
A monument to your reign.
Johnny!
CHARLES ll:
Disappear? People don't disappear.
Monsieur Barrillon.
Your Majesty, it is with regret that I must
make my return to France tout de suite.
I hate racing.
The sport of kings? The sport of peasants!
Come on, Georgie. You like it when you win.
I must have seen the backside of Ј60 today.
I could have bought a horse.
Vanishing Spark. Why did you let me
bet on a horse called Vanishing Spark?
What the fuck?
Johnny?
Gents
spare a drink for a couple of chums?
Where've you been?
Our show was such a success in the capital,
we had to undertake
an extensive tour of the provinces.
Now, where's the fucking drink?
Come on, Charlie, get out your winnings.
This is i gentlemen!
This is the residence of the whore
personally recommended by Mr Dryden himself,
who glories in the name of Molly Noakes
Well, what are we waiting for?
- Open up, keepers of the gate!
- Molly!
Molly!
- Molly...
- Molly!
- Gentlemen?
Where's Molly?
We want Molly and we want her fast.
Young man, you are pissing on my top boots.
Yes, fellow.
But you are a whorehouse doorstep man
and we are the cream of the country.
I am Constable of the Watch.
Dryden can't even write a shag map.
You, sir, are a rogue and a liar.
Murder!
Help!
Now, then, gentlemen...
I do believe there's been
a small species of error.
We are Johnny! Johnny!
Johnny!