a song, some visuals.
lt's a pageant.
lt's like the Oscars.
That's why we came to you.
l never won an Oscar.
That's a shame,
but you produced the Oscars.
lndeed, l did.
You're a writer,
that's your script.
You're a director,
but if you're the producer...
nobody knows what you do.
The producer,
all he's got is the credit.
You see?
And some plaques on the wall.
They don't know what we do.
Don't get me started.
lf you never won an Oscar...
how would you like
an ambassadorship?
An ambassadorship?
That's my payoff?
Tell me what you want.
l'd just do it
for a story to tell.
You couldn't tell anybody.
l'm just kidding.
-You couldn't tell anybody.
-Just a figure of speech.
lt's a pageant.
That's what it is.
The country's at war.
lt's Miss America.
You're Bert Parks.
-Why Albania?
-Because.
What do we have
that they want?
-Freedom.
-Why would they want that?
-Oppressed?
-Fuck freedom.
They want to destroy
the godless Satan.
They want to destroy
our way of life.
All right?
The president is in China.
He is dealing with the dispatch
of the B-3 bomber to Albania.
Why?
Why? Help me.
Geo-politically...
We found out they have the bomb.
-That's good.
-And...wait a second.
The bomb's not there...
because they'd have to have
a rocket and that shit.
They are a bunch of wogs.
Cross that out.
lt's a suitcase bomb.
l didn't know l said that.
lt's a suitcase bomb.
You don't need missiles.
You can put a bomb
in a suitcase.
That's good.
A suitcase bomb.
lt's a suitcase bomb.
When it's cooking, it's cooking.
We're cooking, and it's in...
Canada. All right?
Albanian terrorists
have placed a suitcase bomb...
in Canada in an attempt
to infiltrate it into the USA.
-That's good.
-That's terrific.
l'll tell you why.
lt is cost effective.
lt's producing.
That's what it is.
-lt's really great.
-l could tell you stories.
Cecil B. De Mille,
The Greatest Show on Earth...
he needs an elephant.
l got the president on the line.
One minute.
Needs an elephant for a reshoot.
Know what he does?
Ames here. Yes, sir?
You listening?
-Nobody's listening.
-l'm listening.
-The suitcase bomb.
-Good title for a movie.
Please, write it down.
Don't editorialize.
The thinking is, terrorism.
Act One:
Albania denies everything.
The president comes on the air,
"Be calm."
Know what l need?
Get me Johnny Dean,
Liz Butsky, and the Fad King.
lsn't Johnny Dean in the...
Back in Nashville.
-Act Two.
-We don't need an Act Two.
Don't forget Fad King.
We don't need an Act Two?
We just have to hold
their interest for 11 days.
lt's a teaser.
Absolutely right.
Grace. Teaser.
They're getting a good reaction
on the Albanian thing.
Hello, John, you two-bit
redneck shitkicker.
How the heck are you?
Get out.
He's got a new wife.
He's riding in a pickup truck
with a shotgun and a dog.
We need you here yesterday.
All right?
Get your ass out here.
The president wonders about
the possible Albanian backlash.
You can't have a war
without an enemy.
We could, but it would be dull.
How long do we need him?
We're done in 11 days.
Eleven days. We need you.
You want to write a song for us?
ls there gonna be a back end?
ls there a back end?
Back end?
Percentage points, money.
Count on it.
Where is the back end
coming from?
lt's like
that yellow ribbon thing.
The hostages.
They tied the yellow ribbons
around everything.
But that was
a naturally occurring--
That was a put-up job?
l want you to get Johnny
a ticket.
Fad King on two.
He's riding in a pickup truck
with a shotgun and a dog.
Are you shitting me?
King, got a thing here,
product placement.
Of course there's a back end.
-lt can't be a ribbon.
-What's wrong with a ribbon?
AlDS has
the yellow ribbon thing.
Fuck ribbons.
Canada.
Our neighbor to the north...
all of a sudden transformed
into that place from whence...
like the north wind,
terror comes.
l like that. Keep talking.
What