s true. It's true.
This bear was over eight feet high.
With big, white teeth.
- (Growling)
- Fangs...
stained pink...
from whatever it killed
before it got to our cabin.
It was frightening.
Frightening.
- The paws on this thing were immense.
- Urgh.
With big, black claws.
Razor sharp...
like Freddy Krueger.
(Screams)
Only worse, worse.
This wasn't a movie.
This was happening right in front of me.
And all that separated me
from that bear...
was a pane of glass.
Honey, maybe we shouldn't
tell this story...
- It's fine.
- I'm thinking about nightmares.
No, no. They have to hear this.
Like I say,
it might save their life one day.
Now, I saw that bear. It saw me.
And it was hungry.
Hungry for blood!
Human blood.
You see, once a bear gets a taste
for blood...
it craves it.
It needs it.
It will do anything it can to get it.
That bear had become...
a man-eater!
Our eyes locked. My heart was pumping.
Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump.
I ran into the living room,
grabbed the shotgun off the mantle,
turned around, and there was that bear
right in the window.
Its breath was fogging up the glass.
And suddenly,
it let out this god-awful roar.
(Roaring)
It started smashing the walls.
Pots and pans started rattling,
the walls shimmering
and the floorboards lifting.
I knew then that it was either the bear
or your mom and I.
So I raised the rifle,
I took aim and I fired.
(Gunshot echoes)
- You wasted her?
- No, Benny.
- A shotgun's not going to kill that.
- What happened?
The buckshot shaved the hair
clean off the top of its head.
It ran off. We never saw it again.
I hear from my uncle now and then...
and he'd tell us about
the baldheaded killer bear in the area.
The baldheaded killer bear...
of Clare County.
- Is she still around?
- Oh! No, no. That bear's gone.
Well, she may be out there. (Sighs)
Crazy, bloodthirsty as ever.
So when you go to bed tonight...
if you hear a noise...
whatever you do...
don't look out the window.
Because it might be a bear!
(Screaming)
Christ! I'm half-drunk here, Chet!
- Are you trying to give me nightmares?
- Come on.
I can't believe you, Dad!
- Benny, honey.
- Thank you!
I'm 25 pounds overweight, I don't
need a blast to the ticker like that!
- Really inappropriate, Chet.
- What? It was a story. Come on.
Oh, come on.
It was a kind of true story.
Part of it happened.
I just embellished a bit. Come on!
What? What is that look?
So now I get the look?
I was just trying to have fun.
Oh, God!
So I made the fangs a little bigger. Jeez!
(Chet) You have nothing
to be afraid of, OK? I mean it.
It's a story my dad told me
and I'm sure his dad told him,
and I'm telling you. It's made up.
One day you're going to tell it
to your kids, I guarantee it.
Good evening. How's it going?
Listen, girls...
As your father,
I feel it incumbent upon me
to set the record straight
on the validity of the tale
Uncle Chet shared with us.
A story like that
coming from an authority figure
could be traumatizing for kids.
I had a similar experience with
my Uncle Roy and a story he told
about a family who were attacked
by a band of psychiatric patients
who had been subjected
to violent, hellish
behavior modification experiments.
They escaped from the metal boxes
the army kept them in,
found this family in the woods,
fell upon them,
slaughtered them and ate them.
That story gave me nightmares
not to be believed,
so I don't want Uncle Chet's
bear story to upset you.
So I'm here to say
that there is no bear
and that all Uncle Chet was saying
was just a yarn for our entertainment
and even if there were a bear,
I'm in the house to protect you.
So, no more thinking about bears,
all right?
No more unpleasant things.
We're going to close our eyes
and dream about nice things.
About cuddly, soft, fluffy things.
OK?
Super.
Good night. Sleep tight.
(Raccoons chittering) 'Hey, kids...
New people in the loon's nest.'
'