was wrong...
but we think you're crazy
to make us write an essay...
telling you who we think we are.
What do you care?
You see us as you want to see us...
in the simplest terms,
the most convenient definitions.
You see us as a brain...
an athlete...
a basket case...
a princess...
and a criminal.
Correct?
That's the way we saw each other
at 7:00 this morning.
We were brainwashed.
I can't believe
you can't get me out of this.
It's so absurd
I have to be here on a Saturday.
It's not like
I'm a defective or anything.
I'll make it up to you.
Honey, ditching class to go shopping
doesn't make you a defective.
Have a good day.
Is this the first
or last time we do this?
Last.
get in there and use the time
to your advantage.
Mom, we're not supposed to study.
- Mister, you figure out a way to study.
- Yeah.
Well, go!
Hey, I screwed around.
There's nothing
wrong with that...
except you got caught, sport.
Yeah, Mom already
reamed me, all right?
You want to miss a match?
Blow your ride?
No school is going to give
a scholarship to a discipline case.
Well, well.
Here we are.
I want to congratulate you
for being on time.
Excuse me, sir?
I think there's been a mistake.
I know it's detention, but, um,
I don't think I belong in here.
It is now 7:06.
You have exactly 8 hours and 54 minutes
to think about why you're here.
- Ponder the error of your ways.
- [ Spits ]
You may not talk.
You will not move
from these seats.
And you...
will not sleep.
All right, people, we're going to
try something different today.
We are going to write an essay...
of no less than 1,000 words...
describing to me
who you think you are.
- Is this a test?
- When I say "essay," I mean essay.
I do not mean a single word
repeated 1,000 times.
Is that clear, Mr. Bender?
- Crystal.
- good.
Maybe you'll learn a little something
about yourself.
Maybe you'll even decide
whether you care to return.
You know,
I can answer that right now, sir.
- That'd be "no" for me, because--
- Sit down, Johnson.
Thank you, sir.
My office is
right across that hall.
Any monkey business is ill-advised.
Any questions?
Yeah, I got a question.
Does Barry Manilow know
you raid his wardrobe?
I'll answer that, Mr. Bender,
next Saturday.
Don't mess with the bull, young man,
you'll get the horns.
That man is a brownie hound.
[ Click ]
[ Click ]
[ Click ]
[ Click ]
[ Click ]
[ Click ]
Keep eating your hand,
you won't be hungry for lunch.
I've seen you
before, you know.
Who I think I am.
Who are you?
Who are you?
I am a walrus.
It's the shits, huh?
[ Humming lntroduction To
"Sunshine Of Your Love" ]
I can't believe
this is really happening to me.
[ Bender ] Oh, shit!
What if we have to take a piss?
Please.
You got to go, you got to go.
[ Unzipping Fly ]
- Oh, my god.
- You're not urinating in here, man.
Don't talk.
It'll crawl back up.
Whip it out and you're dead
before the first drop hits the floor.
You're pretty sexy
when you get angry.
Hey, home boy,
why don't you go close that door?
We'll get the prom queen impregnated.
- Hey. Hey!
- What?
If I lose my temper,
you're totalled, man.
Totally?
Totally.
Why don't you shut up?
Nobody's interested.
Really.
Buttface.
Hey, sporto,
what'd you do to get in here?
Forget to wash your jock?
Excuse me, fellas,
we should just write our papers.
Because you live here
doesn't mean you can be a pain...
so knock it off!
It's a free country.
He's doing it to get a rise out of you.
Just ignore him.
Sweets.
You couldn't ignore
me if you tried.
So...
So.
Are you guys like
boyfriend-girlfriend?
Steady dates?
Lovers?
Come on, sporto.
Level with me.
Do you slip her
the hot beef injection?
- go to hell!
- Enough!
Hey! What's going on in there?
Spoiled little pricks.
Scumbag.
Let's close that door.
We can't have a party with Vernon
checking every few seconds.
The door's supposed to stay open.
- So what?
- So why