enjoy shopping today?
Wait until you see what I got.
I got it because the saleslady
said it's one of a kind.
I'll never find another like it.
I know it's silly...
...but I only got it for you.
Honey, I wouldn't want the kids
to see me in something like this.
Sparky, it's our first night in Paris.
Let's do something romantic.
- I'm taking you out to dinner.
- "Out"?
I felt like staying in.
I thought it would be really nice
to be alone.
I'd never go anywhere without you.
Cheer up.
I promised you a night on the town.
We'll see some French culture.
You'll love it.
Down with the feet, hip distance apart...
...stomachs pulled in, buttocks tight.
Let's start with head rolls.
To the right and back and left and forward.
Isn't this great?
They've done this for eons in France.
This is real culture.
Exhale and raise your arms over your head.
Reach with the right...
Clark, could I have the coat check?
I think I've had enough French culture
for one evening.
- Look.
- I am looking.
Back there.
- It's just a hooker. They're everywhere.
- Look who she is with.
Russell Griswald.
Oink, oink, my good man.
- How did you get in?
- I paid.
- I'm surprised at you.
- I'm surprised at you, Dad.
Don't talk back.
- Who was that cheap slut?
- Cherie's not a slut.
I'm disappointed in you.
Who said, "When in Rome,
do as the Romans do"?
I said Rome, not Paris.
This is Paris, and you're drunk.
Hold it!
Let me have it!
Today is my turn.
- Give them to me.
- No!
Look what you did to them.
They're mine!
How many times do I have to tell you that?
Will you slow down?
The kids are exhausted.
It closes in 15 minutes.
There are 100,000 works of art to see.
Great. Are you happy, Dad? She's dead.
I'm proud of you guys.
We've seen everything in Paris,
and we're on schedule.
Can't we slow down a little bit?
I'm exhausted.
We'll have a relaxing time
with my relatives in Germany.
Enjoying Paris?
Have you seen the Louvre yet?
Not yet.
The Left Bank is charming.
We plan to go there.
- Been up the Eiffel Tower yet?
- No, but it's on our list.
Have a good time.
What a waste. We've seen 10 times
as much as they have.
Hi, sweetie. You want some breakfast?
I'm not hungry.
He's got his hands on her tits
right at the table.
Stop staring.
European standards of public behavior
are different than ours.
But they're from Akron.
Audrey, I've missed the shit out of you.
Luckily, Debbie came by to cheer me up.
- That bitch!
- Something the matter, Audrey?
It's time we asked ourselves
this question:
Is this relationship strong enough
for us to consider seeing other people?
I think it is.
Pass the croissants, please.
And the butter and jelly.
I'm glad your appetite's back.
Who have I got to be thin for?
He's going to pork her.
He isn't going to pork her. Now eat.
I think he is.
He may pork her. Just eat, okay?
There it is, kids.
My motherland.
Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.
Shut up, Russ.
I can't wait to meet our relatives,
in person.
Dipplestrabe.
What are we looking for?
- Sechs.
- That will do, Audrey.
That's German for "six."
Is that true?
My family and I are looking for sechs.
There's number six.
Fritz, Clark Griswald. Good to see you.
Remember Ellen from her letters?
There she is.
And Rusty and Audrey.
They've gotten bigger since the pictures.
Sorry we're late. I went to
the wrong door. Thanks for the invitation.
This must be the German dining room.
Isn't it nice?
Clark, it's just as I imagined.
It's so quaint.
Yeah, maximum quaintness.
You must be Helga. We made it.
You know Ellen, my wife,
and Rusty and Audrey.
Let me help you in the kitchen.
Come on, kids.
Go help in the kitchen. Help Helga out.
So, Fritz, how you been?
Long time never seen.
Here's your cousin Al.
He's a hotshot lawyer.
They'll probably get him on tax evasion.
Here's the baby.
You don't believe that cock-and-bull story
about the baby being premature?
I didn't think so.