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Ilya Ilf and  Eugene Petrov
THE LITTLE GOLDEN CALF
It was long ago...
Very long ago...
Very...
No, this is not Rio de Janeiro.
This is much worse.
Look up and down
before you cross the street
CHARACTERS
1. "ANTELOPIANS" :
Ostap BENDER
the great schemer
and commander of the "Antelopians"
His aids and associates:
Shura BALAGANOV,
Mikhail PANIKOVSKY,
Adam KOZLEVICH.
2. "HERCULEANS" :
Alexander KOREIKO
the millionaire clerk
Comrade POLYKHAEV
the democratic and public-spirited chief
BERLAGA
a bookkeeper
Yegor SKUMBRIEVICH
3. UNORGANIZED MINORITIES:
SINITSKY
a puzzle-maker
Zosya SINITSKAYA
his grand-daughter
PLACE: U.S.S.R.
TIME: 1930s.
Out of pants.
Poor Yorick!
Citizen! It is forbidden to touch anything here!
- By the way, what's the name of this city?
- Why? It is Arbatov.
Arbatov! Now I see.
No, This is not Rio de Janeiro.
Whom do you want, comrade?
What's your business?
Private.
Hello!
Hi!
Hi, don't you recognize me?
No, I don't.
And yet many people think that I am
remarkably like my farther.
I also resemble my farther.
What do you want, comrade?
The whole point is in the father.
I am the son of Lieutenant Schmidt.
Don't you remember?
Ochakov.
Yes, yes. Very glad you dropped in,
comrade Schmidt!
We get lost in work.
We forget the milestones of history.
- I suppose you're from Moscow?
- Yes, passing through.
Our churches are remarkable.
Government intends to restore them.
Tell me, and do you yourself remember
the rebellion on the battleship 'Ochakov'?
Dimly.
In those heroic times I was
extremely small. I was an infant.
- Excuse me, but what is your name?
- Nicholas... Nicholas Schmidt
And... your patronymic?
Ach, sorry.
Nowadays many people don't know
the names of heroes of revolution.
The pernicious NEP!
The old enthusiasm is lacking.
I came to your city quite by accident,..
...got into difficulties on the way,
lost all my money.
Don't worry, comrade Schmidt.
You did very well not to have gone
to a private trader.
I need only 50 rubles.
We are limited by the narrow frames
of the local budget...
That's all I can give.
Who's in charge here?
Everyone's waiting.
And he also should.
Everyone's waiting.
And he also should.
Come in, comrade.
Calm down, comrades!
This is comrade Schmidt.
Son of the hero of the revolution,
Lieutenant Schmidt.
But the comrade sitting there,..
...is the son of the great, unforgettable hero
Comrade Schmidt - Nicholas Schmidt.
It happens.
It doesn't look good...
Vasya!
Vasia! Don't you recognize me?
Shut up! Don't you recognize your brother Nick?
Of course I recognize my brother Nick!
Nick! I recognize him.
You're so grown up!
What a remarkable meeting!
Ochakov! Ochakov!
When did you come from Mariupol?
Where did you live there - at grandmother's?
Yes, I lived there - at her.
Why did you write me so rarely?
I was frightfully worried.
- I was busy. And why didn't you write?
- What do you mean I didn't write?
I sent you registered letters.
I have piles of receipts.
By the way, speaking of childhood.
When I was a child I used to kill guys like you
right on the spot. With a sling.
- Why? - Such are the implacable laws of life.
Life dictates to us its implacable laws.
What made you come to the private office?
Didn't you see that the chairman was not alone?
- I thought...
- Oh, so you thought! Are you a thinker?
What is your name, Thinker?
Jean Jacques Rousseau?
Marcus Aurelius? Spinoza?
Well, I forgive you. You may live.
And now let's get acquainted.
We're brothers, and kinship has its obligations.
My name is Ostap Bender.
- Permit me to learn your original surname.
- Balaganov, Shura Balaganov.
I'm not asking about your profession,
but I can guess.
I'm sure it must be something intellectual.
- Have you been tried many times this year?
- Twice. - Now that's bad.
No man should come to trial.
That's an ugly occupation. I'm referring to theft.
I'm sure your

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