Here's what it's like.
First you feel a hand
going down your pants...
and tighten around
the elastic waistband.
Highlight.
- Sometimes I'd actually see stars.
- It's not going to get better.
- Sometimes I'd actually see stars.
- It's not going to get better.
If I was particularly unlucky,
my shorts would rip completely free
and I'd get this really drastic...
Do you hear me?
Yeah.
I don't really care about a graphic
description of a childhood prank.
That prank was a motif in my life.
You know, I'm locked
in this store here...
because I didn't have
the guts to steal a skirt...
so I could get arrested
and embarrass my father...
in this stupid,
desperate, childish,
pathetic attempt to leave home.
You have your underwear
yanked up your ass.
I have my entire life
yanked up my ass!
You were speaking figuratively.
I was speaking literally.
And you're happy.
You're happy.
I'm not happy.
I'm working nights.
Everybody thinks I'm a liar.
My whole family's
laughing at me.
Reverend Harwell gave me
the finger last week.
At least you have
some control over your life.
- So do you.
- My father controls my life.
You're over 18.
You can tell him to drop dead.
- So can you.
- I don't want to.
I like living at home.
- No, you don't.
- Am I a garden snail?
An involuntary muscle
in a janitor suit?
I know what I want to do.
What could
you possibly like...
about living at
home at your age?
The meals are great.
I mean, there's cable.
The accommodations
are excellent, five-star.
What do you care if
I'm living at home or not?
Hey, I didn't come here
to irritate you.
Well, you're beginning to.
Great.
That's really great.
I gotta stop saying
those kinds of things.
Those freakin' kids!
I knew I couldn't trust 'em.
Town liar.
That's a nice rep.
I bet it was Gregory,
that little weasel.
Top secret, and they still
shoot off their mouths!
If I'd really been
a French spy,
those little tots
would've gotten me killed!
Piano wire wrapped around my neck.
My testicles shoved down my throat.
A piece of dynamite
stuck up my ass!
She's so beautiful.
And I'm the town liar.
# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #
# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #
# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #
# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #
# Shiny boat through
the open doorway #
# Fell in love
on a summer day #
# You're only young once
but that's all right #
# Because it's just
so good to be alive #
# Take away your troubles
Take them out the door #
# Ohh, nothing on my mind
except my new love #
# Nothing on my mind
except my new love #
# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la #
# Sha-la-la-la-la
La-la-la ##
[Music Stops]
[P.A. System] Jim, there's
no reason to lie right now.
There's no one to impress.
I'm not impressed by a man
telling me he likes living at home.
Excuse me, I'm not lying,
and I'm not trying
to impress you.
So if you'll excuse me,
I have to clean dead flies
out of the lighting fixtures.
Okay, my error.
I apologize.
It's just that I
can't imagine a man...
giving up his independence,
his right to mate,
to have a family,
to build a life for himself,
for good cooking.
Hold on.
I have not given
up my right to mate.
I have the right to mate...
anytime I feel like mating.
You go out with someone.
You bring her home.
You introduce her to...
Mom, Dad, Sis, Billy,
Wolfie the dog.
Cocktails in the rumpus room,
and then do it on the bunk bed?
Let's analyze that remark.
I don't have a dog,
my brother's
not named Billy,
and I don't even
have a rumpus room.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Spit on me,
make me feel lousy.
Jim?
You said something
that wasn't true.
No.
No, I said that I can
have sex when I want to, and I do.
However, I was
looking forward...
to a nice, quiet evening
of janitoring.
I don't think you see
what I'm getting at.
I see what you're getting at.
I'm a lying monk with an Oedipus complex
and an appetite for home cooking.
Don't