you.
- He's going to burn them!
- Cynthia, he's going to burn them.
Gregory, put that down!
You know what I like about you,
Briggsie?
- I can't imagine.
- Your wife and your lawnmower.
I've seen your wife.
What kind of mower you got, Briggsie?
It's... the kind
you don't have to push.
But you do it standing up.
A power mower.
What brand?
I've got to be honest with you.
It was a gift and I never looked.
Wait a minute.
You don't know?
When you got it,
didn't any specs come with it?
How can you not know?
You've got a Big Yard King 410.
Remember that.
- A Yard King 410.
- The 410 is shit. I like the old 380.
You're crazy!
The grass catcher on a 410
has a third more
capacity than a 380.
It doesn't matter how much cubic feet
of horseshit you can get in it.
The 410's got a plastic flywheel.
You'll have a major lawsuit
on your hands.
The government won't buy 410s because
of the danger of the plastic flywheel.
Put that down!
- Where do you work?
- I'm a research analyst at Comtex.
Ha! I win! Lynn bet me a box
of Pop Tarts that you were a lawyer.
Every career woman
who moves into this neighbourhood
brings something
nobody's ever heard of.
What did Sheila Walker-Reynolds
make last year?
It was red...
Goat cheese ravioli.
- No, that wasn't it.
- It certainly was.
Hank asked her,
she told him,
then he spat it out and
the Thackerays' dog got hold of it.
I'll give you a piece of philosophy.
Wives are like lawnmowers.
Fancy ones wear out fast.
Good solid ones last a lifetime.
This man goes through
two hoses a season.
My point is still valid.
I'm not married to my hose.
Good.
You'd be on your 18th wife.
There's some humour for you.
That is supposed to be humour.
He buys the cheap crap
you can't roll up
and the sun beats down
and heats the water up.
Then, when he washes his dog,
he scalds the shit out of it.
- Hank's washing his dog again!
- It happened once.
- Twice.
- You can't count!
- I've got to check on something.
- It's something I said.
Hey, Briggsie!
Let me ask you a question.
What do you do up in that room
at night?
I've seen you.
Your hands are doing weird things.
- I'm writing a book.
- A book?
It was Scooter Albert
that ate the balloon.
The little cross-eyed boy
with the impetigo.
Was he the one who drew the boobies
on Heather's doll?
- No, he was...
- Will you excuse me?
Oh, yeah.
Listen, if your wife was
in as good condition as his is,
would you be up all night
writing a book?
- Look at them.
- What are they talking about?
Three guesses.
Ken!
- Ken, I'm talking to you.
- Yo!
Would you bring the picnic table
around?
- Go on. You're up.
- Hank! Help him!
He can do it himself.
You haven't done a thing
to get ready for this.
I did.
I washed the dog, didn't I?
You burned the dog!
You've got to come to New York
some time.
I know. I've tried to convince Kristy.
I really want to.
- I mean, it makes Chicago look like...
- Chicago.
- Do you work, Erin?
- She models.
- Oh, really?
- I just did a video.
- Are you in a band? Or...?
- No, I'm not in a band!
- What do you do?
- Give me your glass.
- Sure. It's diet. Is that OK?
- Figures.
That's great.
That's terrific.
That's really, really good.
It's just running in clubs right now.
MTV rejected it because of the nudity.
- You're kidding?
- No.
It's ridiculous.
That is ridiculous.
Big deal. I'm wearing a fucking
g-string. I didn't even bend over.
That's not that controversial if you
didn't bend over. I mean, that's not...
How long have you been married?
I mean, you are married, right?
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Got the band of gold.
It's, er...
- Two years, babe.
- Two years.
- How long are you staying in town?
- A few days.
Erin's mother died last night,
so we're doing the funeral...
...bullshit.
- That whole scene.
Yeah, Davis made me come. I think
he misses Chicago, if that's possible.
You see, I'm a New Yorker.
- I hate everyplace