you
didn't bend over. I mean, that's not...
How long have you been married?
I mean, you are married, right?
Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
Got the band of gold.
It's, er...
- Two years, babe.
- Two years.
- How long are you staying in town?
- A few days.
Erin's mother died last night,
so we're doing the funeral...
...bullshit.
- That whole scene.
Yeah, Davis made me come. I think
he misses Chicago, if that's possible.
You see, I'm a New Yorker.
- I hate everyplace else.
- I know what you mean.
I can take LA.
I won't puke if I'm in LA.
- Yeah, LA is nice.
- We've never been to LA.
Of course, we've never been,
but I hear it's nice.
- Yeah, right.
- I'm so sorry about your mother, Erin.
You and Neiman Marcus.
- Are you staying with family?
- We're at the Ritz-Carlton.
Tragic error coming up.
Ready?
One, two, three...
A hotel? Don't be silly.
Why don't you stay here?
- What?
- What do you mean, "what"?
Am I supposed to make
my best friend stay in a hotel?
Best friend, my ass! In two years,
he's turned into a complete jerk.
- Excuse me?
- You heard.
- And his girlfriend is nauseating.
- Nauseating?
Her mother died last night,
but she didn't want to come.
- She models nude in videos.
- Not nude. She was wearing a g-thing.
- It probably wasn't a video.
- Maybe her mother wasn't very nice.
I don't care.
That bitch has no feelings
and it makes me sick
she's sleeping in our house.
I'll have to burn the sheets!
What if the shoe
was on the other foot?
I'd go barefoot!
- Don't give me that righteous pose.
- Move!
- What?
- Move!
What do you want me to do?
Throw them out in the snow?
- Yes.
- You'd like that?
- Yes.
- Forget it!
- You're not sleeping in this bed.
- Really?
Anywhere but this room
or this bed.
Isn't it embarrassing
to have Davis know we're fighting?
- Not to me.
- OK, fine, forget it. Forget it!
But if he asks,
I'm telling him everything.
Don't forget to tell him
how I feel about his girlfriend!
She's got some lungs
when she wants them, huh?
Oh, jerk!
I never thought
this was where you'd end up.
- I like it here.
- Let me tell you something, pal.
You want to write,
move to New York.
Here, nothing happens to write about.
I'm just being honest.
I see you dead in the water, face down.
You are rotting.
What is this?
Give me that.
That's my porcelain udder buddy.
- It's a dairy dispenser.
- Delightful.
You've just arrived.
How do you know how I am?
Look at the way that you live.
It's boring, it's torpid.
I mean, my God, "Ho, ho, ho,
cocktails and mistletoe."
Yeah. Let's just bop on
over to Walt and Shirley's
- for egg-nog and a yule log.
- Wiseass!
- You believe in this!
- Should I live like you?
- Yes.
- I can't.
- Why not?
- You live for yourself. I don't.
I have Kristy.
- You want some more truth?
- No.
Too bad. It's rude and it's wrong,
but it's right on the money.
She's holding you back, man.
You're a drowning man
and she is an anchor around your neck.
- She is making all the choices.
- No, that's not...
- Yes!
- No.
I love Kristy.
She's the sweetest girl in the world.
She doesn't have
a mean bone in her body.
But I love you like a brother,
and you know that.
And this hurts like hell to say,
and maybe I'm wrong...
...but I miss you.
I miss you very much.
I miss our friendship.
Very much.
Kiss me.
Hey, remember what I said, though.
- What about Erin?
- What about Erin?
- Don't you have any feelings for her?
- No, and I hope she has none for me.
You don't have to
to go to bed with somebody,
and the fact you mention it indicates
how parochial you've become.
I don't think there's anything
parochial about a man loving a woman.
Save that for the Broadway show lyrics.
It's nothing to live your life by.
I'm very disappointed in you, Jake.
You should be doing more than this.
- I'm doing just fine.
- You can think that.
I do. There's more
to life than getting laid.