Allow me to be frank
at the commencement
You will not like me.
The gentlemen will be envious
and the ladies will be repelled.
You will not like me now and you will like me
a good deal less as we go on.
Ladies,
an announcement.
I am up for it.
All the time.
That is not a boast or an opinion.
It is bone-hard medical fact.
I put it round, you know.
And you will watch me putting it round
and sigh for it.
Don't.
It is a deal of trouble for you
and you are better off watching and drawing
your conclusions from a distance
than you would be
if I got my tarse up your petticoats.
Gentlemen,
do not despair.
I am up for that as well.
And the same warning applies.
Still your cheesy erections till I've had my say,
but later when you shag,
and later you will shag,
I shall expect it of you,
and I will know if you have let me down.
I wish you to shag
with my homuncular image
rattling in your gonads.
Feel...
how it was for me, how it is for me.
And ponder.
Was that shudder
the same shudder he sensed?
Did he know something more profound?
Or is there some wall of wretchedness
that we all batter with our heads
at that shining live-long moment?
That is it.
That is my prologue.
Nothing in rhyme.
No protestations of modesty.
You were not expecting that, I hope.
I am John Wilmot.
Second Earl of Rochester.
And I do not want you to like me.
Wren's upset. The clergy approved
the most conventional design for the cathedral.
Now he feels
there's no room for artistic manoeuvre.
Put a sub-clause in the warrant.
"Variations in the design
are to be ornamental rather than essential. "
Then he can do what he wants.
Next.
There are representations for you
to be more careful in public.
Perhaps a bodyguard.
- Whose idea is that?
- Your brother.
Ha!
No-one's going to kill me
if it means having him on the throne.
- Next.
- Danby says the army is costing too much.
It's Danby's job to balance the books.
If he thinks it's good economics to disband
the army and be invaded by the French,
he can look for another position.
Anything else?
You asked me to remind you
about the Earl of Rochester.
When did I banish him?
Three months ago.
- For how long?
- A year.
Bring him back. Now.
John.
Be attentive to your wife.
She's not accustomed to London.
Mother, I shall in all things
endeavour to serve her...
and you.
Serve God.
You must not fear London.
It is not London I fear.
You abducted me in a coach like this
when I was still a virgin heiress.
And did you like abduction?
Passionately.
Speak of it.
John! This is not the place.
Speak to me of abduction.
I was 18.
And worth two and a half thousand a year.
You ambushed me,
bundled me from my coach,
and drove me away.
The King thrust you in the tower for it.
And I dug in my heels
and spurned and shunned the other men.
I would only embrace my dear abductor.
Dryden's new play.
Here, Chas, grab a wodge.
Dryden couldn't write a laundry list.
Rochester!
- Johnny!
- Johnny.
We were pining for you
Even now we're pining.
When I wake in the country,
I dream of being in London,
and then when I get here,
it's full of people like you.
- Johnny.
- This reign's a shambles, do you not think?
My father risked life and limb
hiding that thing Charles up an oak tree.
Has he forgiven you?
He's forgiven me. I shan't forgive him.
Why did he banish you this time?
Well, it is a fine morning.
I'm walking through the galleries.
The King is walking through the galleries.
I'm splendidly alone.
The King is surrounded
by a slow-moving troop...
.. of Mediterraneans.
- The wife's family.
- And he must make show of me.
Behold, the Earl of Rochester, the wit.
The poet. Pray, let us have some of your muse.
What am I to do?
Then I recall in my pocket I have
a sketch of something rustic with nymphs.
I pull it out and deliver.
"In the isle of Britain, long since famous grown
For breeding the best