That's all I need. Just one swing.
That's what I thought.
You're a gutless turd.
A naked blonde walks into a bar...
with a poodle under one arm...
and a salami under the other.
She lays the poodle on the table.
Bartender says,
"You won't be needing a drink."
Naked lady says--
Oh, shit!
Jesus Christ almighty!
Forgot my pencil.
[ Vernon ] Goddamn it!
What in God's name
is going on in here?
- What was that ruckus?
- What ruckus?
I was in my office
and I heard a ruckus.
- Could you describe the ruckus, sir?
- Watch your tongue, young man.
Ah!
What is this?
- Vvvvt!
- What is that?
What is that noise?
- What noise?
- Really, sir, there wasn't any noise.
- Ah!
- Ah!
Ow!
Was that the noise
you were talking about?
That was not the noise
I was talking about.
I may not have caught you
in the act this time...
- but you can bet I will.
- [ Laughing ]
You make book on that, missy.
And you!
I will not be made a fool of.
Ah!
It was an accident.
You're an asshole.
Sue me.
Ahab, can I have all my doobage?
Y o, wastoid, you're not
gonna blaze up in here.
Shit.
Chicks cannot hold dey smoke.
That's what it is.
[ Claire ] Do you know
how popular I am?
I am so popular.
Everybody loves me
so much at this school.
Sure they do.
Whoo!
- Ow!
- Aagh!
Aaahhh!
Mister...
Oh, Mr. Tierney.
"A history of
slight mental illness."
No wonder
he's so fucked up.
Good afternoon, Dick.
Hey, Carl.
How you doing?
What's up?
Not much.
What are you doing
in the basement files?
Oh, nothing.
Just a little homework.
- Homework, huh?
- Y eah.
Confidential files, huh?
Look, Carl, this is a highly
sensitive area, and I'll tell you...
certain people would be
very, very embarrassed.
I'd really appreciate it
if this would be something...
that you and I could--
we could keep between us.
- What'll you do for me, man?
- What would you like?
- Got 50 bucks?
- What?
Fifty bucks.
No, no, no, man.
You got a middle name?
Y eah, I guess.
Your middle name is Ralph.
As in "puke."
Your birthday is March 12th...
you're 5'9 1/2"...
you weigh 130 pounds...
and your social security number...
is 049-38-0913.
Wow!
Are you psychic?
No.
How do you know
all this about me?
I stole your wallet.
- Give it to me.
- No.
Give it.
- This is great. You're a thief too?
- I'm not a thief.
- Multi-talented.
- What's there to steal?
- Two bucks and a beaver shot.
- A what?
He's got a nudie picture.
I saw it. It's perverted.
Let's see it.
- Are all these your girlfriends?
- Some of them.
What about the others?
Well, some I consider
my girlfriends...
- and some I just consider.
- Consider what?
Whether or not
I want to hang out with them.
You don't believe
in one guy, one girl?
- Do you?
- Y eah. That's the way it should be.
- Well, not for me.
- Why not?
How come you got
so much shit in your purse?
- Why do you have so many girlfriends?
- I asked you first.
I don't know.
I guess I never throw anything away.
Neither do l.
Oh.
This is the worst
fake l.D. I've ever seen.
You realize you made yourself 68?
- I know. I goofed it.
- What do you need a fake l.D. for?
So I can vote.
You want to see
what's in my bag?
- No.
- No.
Holy shit.
- What is all that stuff?
- Do you always carry this much shit?
Yeah.
I always carry
this much shit in my bag.
You never know
when you may have to jam.
Are you going to be,
like, a shopping bag lady?
Like, sit in alleyways
and talk to buildings.
- Wear men's shoes.
- I'll do what I have to do.
Why do you have to do anything?
My home life...
is unsatisfying.
You'd subject yourself to the
violent dangers of Chicago's streets...
because your home life
is unsatisfying?
I don't have to run away
and live in the street.
I can run away,
and I can go to the ocean...
the country, the mountains,
lsrael, Africa...
Afghanistan.
Andy, you want to get in on this?
Allison says she
wants to run away...
because her home life