home.
There's soda
in the teachers' lounge.
Let's go!
So...
what's your poison?
What do you drink?
Okay. Forget I asked.
Vodka.
Vodka?
When do you drink vodka?
Whenever.
- A lot?
- Tons.
Is that why
you're here today?
- Why are you here?
- Why are you here?
Um...
I'm here today because...
my coach and my father...
don't want me
to blow my ride.
I get treated differently...
because Coach thinks I'm a winner.
So does my old man.
I'm not a winner
because I want to be.
I'm a winner because
I have strength and speed.
Kinda like a racehorse.
That's about how involved I am
in what's happening to me.
Y eah?
That's very interesting.
Now, why don't you tell me
why you're really in here?
Forget it.
Claire, want to see a picture of a guy
with elephantitis of the nuts?
- It's pretty tasty.
- No, thank you.
How do you think
he rides a bike?
Oh, Claire?
Would you ever consider
dating a guy like this?
- Can't you just leave me alone?
- If he had a great personality...
was a good dancer
and had a cool car?
You'd probably have to
ride in the backseat...
because his nuts
would ride shotgun.
- You know what I wish I was doing?
- Careful. Brian is a cherry.
- Cherry?
- I wish I was on a plane...
- to France.
- I'm not a cherry.
- When have you ever been laid?
- I've laid lots of times.
- Name one.
- She lives in Canada.
Met her at Niagara Falls.
You wouldn't know her.
Ever laid anyone around here?
Oh. You and Claire did it?
- What are you talking about?
- Nothing. Nothing.
- Drop it. We'll talk about it later.
- Drop what?
Brian's telling me that,
in addition to a number of girls...
in the Niagara Falls area,
that presently...
you and he are
riding the hobby horse.
- Little pig.
- No, I'm not!
John said I was a cherry,
and I said I wasn't. That's it.
What were you motioning
to Claire for?
- I don't appreciate this, Brian.
- He is lying.
You weren't motioning
to Claire?
- You know he's lying.
- Were you or were you not?
Yeah, but it was only--
It was only because
I didn't want her to know I'm a virgin.
Excuse me for being a virgin.
Why didn't you want me to know?
Because it's personal.
It's my personal, private business.
It doesn't sound like
you're doing any business.
I think it's okay
for a guy to be a virgin.
You do?
- What's in there?
- Guess.
Where's your lunch?
You're wearing it.
You're nauseating.
What's that?
- Sushi.
- Sushi?
Rice, raw fish and seaweed.
You won't accept a guy's tongue
in your mouth but you'll eat that?
Can I eat?
I don't know.
Give it a try.
What's your problem?
What are we having?
Uh...it's your standard
regular lunch, I guess.
Milk?
Soup.
- Uh...that's apple juice.
- I can read.
PB&J with the crusts cut off.
Well, Brian, this is
a very nutritious lunch.
All the food groups
are represented.
Did your Mom marry Mr. Rogers?
- No, Mr. Johnson.
- Ah.
Here's my impression...
of life at big Bri's house.
Son?
Yeah, Dad?
How's your day, pal?
Great, Dad. How's yours?
Super.
Say, son, how'd you like
to go fishing this weekend?
Great, Dad, but I've got
homework to do.
That's all right, son.
You can do it on the boat.
Gee!
Dear, isn't our son swell?
Yes, dear.
lsn't life swell?
Oh.
Oh.
[ Grunting ]
All right.
What about your family?
- Who, mine?
- Yeah.
It's real easy.
Stupid...
worthless...
no good, goddamn...
freeloading, son of a bitch.
Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all...
asshole, jerk.
You forgot ugly,
lazy and disrespectful.
Shut up, bitch!
Go fix me a turkey potpie.
What about you, Dad?
Fuck you.
No, Dad. What about you?
Fuck you!
What about you!
Fuck you!
Bam!
- Is that for real?
- You wanna come over some time?
That's bullshit.
It's all part of your image.
- I don't believe a word of it.
- You don't believe me?
- No.
- No?
Did I stutter?
Do you believe this?
Huh?
It's about the size of a cigar.
Do I stutter?
This is what you get in my house