it. It's funny.
Because you're not a grandma.
To be a grandma, you have to
be married and have children.
I don't have any of those things.
That's why it's so funny.
I'm just gonna go... .
All you had to do was buy the card.
It was stupid to get upset about
not having a husband and kids.
All I really needed was a plan.
See, I want three kids.
And you want to have them all at the
same time and all for your brother.
As I was saying... .
I should have the first one
by the time I'm 35.
Which gives me five years.
If I want a kid when I'm 35, I don't
have to get pregnant until I'm 34.
Which gives Prada four years
to start making maternity clothes.
But I want to be married
for a year before I get pregnant.
Really? That long?
Look all you want, it's happening.
I don't have to get married until
I'm 33. That's three whole years.
Wait a minute, though.
I'll need a year and a half
to plan the wedding.
And I'd like to know the guy
for a year, year and a half...
...before we get engaged.
Which means I need to meet the guy
by the time I'm 30.
Which is fine
because you just turned...
...28!
No, Ross. No, it is not fine.
I should already be with
the guy I'm gonna marry.
Will you quit hogging it?
I'm telling you, it's like
watching Bambi learn how to walk.
You're drunk.
Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.
Maybe I'm a little drunk.
Are those crab cakes?
I told you to come straight to me
when they were ready.
How you feeling?
You are so handsome.
I want to make love to you
right here, right now.
I really wish that you wouldn't.
Just get through a little bit more,
then we can put you in bed.
Just smile, and don't talk to anyone.
Speech, speech!
Let's hear from the birthday girl.
Pheebs!
See, everybody's looking at me.
The plan's working.
I didn't even have to
take off my top yet.
Speech. Come on, speech!
You can't keep your hands off her
for one second.
I think it's nice.
I think it's necessary.
I want to thank you all for coming.
My family and...
...my friends.
I'd really like to say that I'm... .
You know what I'd really like to say?
I'm drunk!
That's right, Mom and Dad.
Your little old "Harmomica" is hammered.
And guess what?
I've been drunk before.
And I've smoked a cigarette.
It's all okay.
It's okay because...
...I turned 30 today.
And I can do anything I want.
Because I am a grownup.
Okay, quick. Help me get this off.
I lost a whole year.
I can't believe it.
This is so unfair!
Come on, Pheebs, it'll be okay.
Will it? Will it?
How would you feel if
you found out you were 31?
That's not gonna happen.
Because we have a new deal.
Plus, it ruined my schedule.
I haven't done the things
I wanted to do before I was 31.
Like what?
Like I haven't met
any Portuguese people.
I haven't had the perfect kiss.
And I haven't been to sniper school.
Why don't we go and
have some birthday cake?
I just feel like being by myself.
See you guys later. Thanks.
Poor Pheebs.
Hey, you guys, I think
I'm gonna walk her home.
- Oh, man.
- What?
He's gonna eat the cake.
Pheebs!
Listen, I... .
Close your eyes.
That's one thing to
cross off your list.
Oh, yeah.
Plus, I'm one-sixteenth Portuguese.
Okay, is everybody clear?
We're gonna pick it up...
...and move it.
All we need is teamwork.
We're gonna lift the car...
...and slide it out.
Lift...
...and slide.
- Ross, I really don't think this...
- Lift...
...and slide.
- Okay, here we go.
- All right, everyone.
Lift...
...and slide.
- Hey, Joey...
- Come on, Rach, my turn just started.
Actually, I just want to talk to Tag.
Oh, okay.
Hey, can I ride this outside?
Whatever. I'm not your mother.
Not in the street!
- Are you feeling any better?
- Yeah, I'm doing okay. I'm... .
Let's talk.
What's up?
Oh, Tag... .
You're such a great guy.
And we have so much fun together.
- But l...
- Wait.
I think I see where you're going.
Before you say anything else,
can I say one more thing?
Well