introduce
these lovely ladies.
- This is Linda.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Her charming sister, Marnie.
Sisters ?
Twins ?
[ Linda ] Are you sure
this guy's all right ?
He's okay.
He's helping me out.
He's from outta town,
kinda latched on to me.
Okay, well, great seeing ya.
Catch ya later.
Great seeing ya.
Catch ya later.
Oops !
I've only been
driving an hour.
- Linda's your girlfriend, isn't she ?
- Yeah, kinda.
- Is Marnie your girlfriend, too ?
- Marnie ?
Marnie hates my guts.
She kinda likes you, though.
- Me ?
- Yeah.
- She hardly knows me.
- That's the best way.
You see,
women love men...
who are mysterious
and devious.
Keeps them on their toes.
-It excites them. You know what I mean ?
-No.
- You do like women ?
- Very much so.
They're strange
and sensitive.
They have compassion.
I have the highest
respect for women.
You're a virgin !
That's private.
[ Whispering ]
A 230-pound virgin.
It's all right.
It's something--
It's just one
of those things.
Oh, Julius.
My little baby poodle.
Such a baby cat.
Look, did I neglect you ?
Not any more. Come on.
That's a good little pussy cat.
This is sweet Julius.
Okay, here you go.
You named
your cat Julius ?
The secret to take-out eggplant
parmesan is extra cheese.
- There we go.
- That much cheese ?
Oh, yeah.
The more cheese, the merrier.
There you go.
I know you're probably used to
growing your own vegetables...
and spearing fish on the lagoon,
but here on the mainland...
[ Bell Rings ]
we just nuke it.
That's it. Here we go.
Feast your eyes.
Dinner is served.
- Yummy.
- Yeah.
- Ahhh !
- Ahhh !
Through the lips, over the gums,
look out--
Look out stomach, here it comes.
Ta-dum !
- Julius !
- Oh, I like nuked food.
- Mm-mmm !
- Mmm !
Now let me get
this straight.
One of our fathers was
a famous football player ?
- Yes !
- And another one was...
- a physicist at M.I.T. ?
- Yes, he won the Nobel Prize.
Naturally ! All of our dads
were these big shots.
And Mom...
was like... superwoman.
But she didn't survive
the delivery.
And I was sent
to an orphanage...
while you were raised
on a tropical paradise...
by a scientist who
you do research for...
but who doesn't pay you,
because you don't need money.
Did I leave anything out ?
I think it's important we try
to find our fathers.
Oh, you mean the geniuses
who contributed...
to the sperm milk shake.
Why are you being so immature
about all this ?
Do you know how many times
I've heard stories like this ?
It's every
orphan's fantasy.
My real mom and dad
were rich...
and beautiful.
But there was a mix-up
in the hospital...
and I got switched
with another baby.
But one day, there's gonna
be a knock at the door...
and there they'll be...
with open arms, crying,
"My darling.
"My treasure.
We didn't know.
How can we make
it up to you ?"
Let me tell you something
for your own good, Julius.
It's a crock.
I liberated this from
my file at the orphanage.
Here it is.
Read it and weep.
"Dear Sister Anderson, your request
for orphan's benefits...
- "for Vincent Benedict has been denied.
- Denied, yeah.
"According to our files,
his mother did not die...
- "during birth.
- She's not dead.
"We have a current
address for her at...
"172 Canyon Glen Drive,
Los Angeles.
"Vincent's case seems to be
one of simple abandonment...
and as such,
he's ineligible for aid."
That's right, Julius.
She abandoned me.
This letter was written
30 years ago.
We were five years old.
Our mother didn't die
when we were born !
You knew all this time
where she was...
and you never
contacted her ?
I don't know about your mother,
"Miss Perfect, 1952"...
but my mother was a slut
and if she's still alive...
I hope she's
in a lot of pain.
She dumped me once.
There is no way I'm gonna give
her a chance to do it again.
If they have lied to us about Mama
for all these years...
maybe they lied to her, too.
We got to find