runway is niner.
Airport vehicles,
take positions one and two.
Civilian equipment, number three.
Air force, positions four and five.
All ambulances go to number three.
Air Israel, please clear the runway.
In a moment, we'll ask you
to assume crash positions.
Life jackets are under your seat.
Place the jacket over your head.
When I give the word, pull the
cord on the right side flap.
Your seat cushions are also equipped
with a flotation device.
WZAZ in Chicago,
where disco lives forever.
Your altitude's too erratic.
You can't come straight in.
You've got enough fuel left for two
hours of flight.
I'll take it, Elaine.
Listen to me, Kramer.
We have people up here who will die
in less than an hour.
I may bend your precious airplane,
but I'll get it down.
I'm putting the landing
gear down now.
- Mr. Striker, the passengers are ready.
- Thanks, Randy.
You better leave, sweetheart.
You might get hurt up here.
- Ted...
- Yes?
I wanted you to know now...
I'm very proud.
Tell them the gear is down
and we're ready to land.
The gear is down and
we're ready to land.
He's on final now.
Put out all runway lights
except niner.
Captain, maybe we ought to turn
on the searchlights now.
No.
That's just what they'll
be expecting us to do.
I want to tell you both good luck.
We're all counting on you.
Now listen carefully.
You'll see the runway at 300 feet.
Touch down a third of the way along.
A slight cross wind, so be ready.
Land too fast,
use your emergency brakes.
Red handle's right in front.
If that doesn't stop you...
If that doesn't stop you, cur the four
ignition switches over the co-pilot's hand.
Can you see us now? You should
be able to see the field now.
- Sure is quiet out there.
- Yeah, too quiet.
Looks like I picked the wrong week
to quit sniffing glue.
There it is.
There he is.
Striker, you're coming in too fast.
I know, I know!
He knows, he knows!
Below 700 now. Still going down.
675, 650, 625, he's holding.
No, he's down, he's down.
Sound your alarm now.
Now, everybody,
get in crash positions.
Put down 30 degrees of flap.
All right, listen to me.
Remember your brakes and switches.
Get ready to flare it out!
He's all over the place.
900 up to 1 ,300 feet.
What an asshole.
More left rudder. Put down more flap.
Just kidding.
Striker, lift your nose.
Straighten your wings.
Coming in too fast. Watch your speed.
He's coming right at us!
Coming in too hot.
Ease up on the throttle.
Watch out for that cross wind.
Level it out.
You'll have to dip your left wing.
You're drifting. Keep your eyes
on the far end of the runway.
You're too low, damn it!
Watch your stall speed.
Flare it out!
Ease her down. Down!
The brake! Pull the red handle!
I want to tell you both good luck.
We're all counting on you.
Flight 209 now arriving
at gate 8.
Gate 9.
Gate 10.
Pull out of it! Push that button!
Gate 13. Gate 14.
Gate 15.
Auntie Em! Toto! It's a twister!
Gate 23, 24, 25.
I want to tell you both good luck.
We're all counting on you.
Striker?
- Striker, are you all right?
- Yeah. We're OK.
Ted, that was probably
the lousiest landing...
in the history of this airport.
But some of us, particularly me,
would like to buy you a
drink and shake your hand.
And Ted, when the going got rough...
Have a nice day. OK.
Have a nice day and thank you
for flying TransAmerican.
Loneliness, that's the bottom line.
I was never happy as a child.
Christmas,
what does that mean to you?
Mine was living hell.
Do you know what it's like
to fall in the mud...
and get kicked in the head
by an iron boot?
Of course not. It never happens.
Sorry. That's a dumb question.
Skip that.
There you go. Have a nice day.
Municipal bonds, Ted.
Talking double ''A'' rating.
Best investment in America.
Well, I'll give him another 20
20 minutes, but that's it.
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