It's probably somebody
standing in the hall...
knocking on the door.
Maybe it's the mother of this meat loaf
coming to kill you.
It's all right. I got it, Arthur.
Sit down, sweetheart. It's all right.
Don't pay any attention.
Yeah, Nick? What is it?
I understand there are
two individuals living here...
who are not on the lease.
They're family.
They're staying
until they get back on their feet.
I'm sorry, Ralph,
but this building's just been sold.
And the new owner is insisting
that all the regulations be enforced.
What are you trying to say?
In fact, he mentioned you specifically.
Wait a minute. A new owner, did you say?
Let me guess. Burt Johnson Enterprises.
Yeah. That's right.
You folks have enemies in high places.
You must have screwed up really bad.
142. This has got to be it here.
-Is that it?
-140. Okay, Arthur, look at me.
Now remember, let me
do the talking, okay? Here we go.
''Eat-in kitchen with IOL in every room.''
What does that mean?
Who knows? Who cares?
It's the cheapest apartment
in the whole city.
If it has a floor, we're taking it.
It has a floor. We're doomed.
Honey, what's the super's name?
Butterworth.
IOL. What does that mean?
-Hello.
-Hi.
I spoke to you earlier today
about the apartment.
What?
I spoke to you earlier today
on the telephone...
about the apartment for rent.
Yes, about the apartment.
Yes, I'm Linda Bach,
and this is my husband Arthur.
-Yeah, but she'll be doing--
-Speak up, honey.
She'll do all the talking. I can't be trusted.
Don't yell!
-I suppose you want to see the apartment.
-Yes, please.
It's upstairs. Apartment 5.
Great.
This is a beautiful place you got here.
What are you, blind?
Here's something you've never seen.
Come here.
I had them put this electric chair in.
It's a great idea.
-Yes, very nice.
-Thank you.
That's good.
Is it working?
Of course it's working. We're on our way.
Look, maybe if you just gave us the key.
Sorry. Not allowed.
-Another step.
-That felt great.
It'll be a co-op by the time we get there.
Hold on. I've gotta tie my shoelace.
You go on ahead. I'll catch up.
You folks have any children?
-Not yet.
-Not yet.
-But we might have--
-By the time we see this apartment.
I think you'll like it.
It's got IOL in every room.
-IOL.
-Island of Love.
-No. Interoffice Lubrication.
-That must be it.
You know, Ferrari makes this.
There's just a few bugs to work out.
What is IOL?
You'll find out soon enough.
Here we are.
-Can I help you?
-No.
Don't do it. Thank God.
The artist who lives here
couldn't pay his rent. Bum.
This is the living room.
Come. I'll show you the kitchen.
-Let's get out of here.
-Wait. Let's give it a chance.
Your stove, refrigerator, sink, cabinets...
everything handy.
Don't get too attached to any of this stuff.
The guy who lives here
is taking everything with him.
-What is that smell?
-Bug bomb.
They work much better
than the Roach Motel.
The roach motel wouldn't look
that bad to me right now.
The bedroom.
Beautiful view.
I almost forgot. Come here.
I want to show you something.
Watch this.
See? Instant On Lighting.
IOL in every room.
Instant on lighting?
Honey, look. It's true.
There's virtually no delay.
Thought it was sort of come-on.
Come here and try this.
You're asking $800....
-Arthur!
-I'm hooked.
You're asking $850 for this place
with a straight face?
-In advance.
-IOL. Come on.
Look, I've only been working two weeks.
I've got $350. You take it...
or you leave it.
I'll take it. Here's the key. I'll send
the lease up to you in the morning.
-You'd better get started.
-That's 12 hours away.
-He'll never make it.
-Thanks a lot.
That's it. He won't make that.
God, IOL. I've always dreamt of IOL.
Listen.
We clean this place up,
we paint the walls...
this place would be a shit hole.
You know?
We're not staying here one moment
longer than we have to, all right?
But right now, this is it.
This is