Oh my goodness. A birthday?
Anniversary.
My sister and her husband.
Anniversary of their marriage.
I was her leading bridesmaid.
I was his best man.
I was just about to fuck her at the alter
when somebody stopped me.
Really?
I stopped him. His zip went down
and I kicked him up the arse.
It would have been a scandal.
The world's press was on the doorstep.
He was always impetuous.
We get so many different kinds of people
in here, people from all walks of life.
Do you really?
Oh, yes. People from all walks of life.
People from different countries.
I've often said,
"You don't have to speak English
to enjoy good food."
I've often said that.
Or even understand English.
It's like sex, isn't it?
You don't have to be English
to enjoy sex.
Lots of people enjoy sex
without being English.
I've known one or two Belgian people,
for example,
who love sex and they
don't speak a word of English.
The same applies to Hungarians.
Yes. I met a chap
who was born in Venezuela once
and he didn't speak
a fucking word of English.
Did he enjoy sex?
Sex?
Yes, it's funny you should say that.
I met a man from Morocco once
and he was very interested in sex.
What happened to him?
Now you've upset me.
I think I'm going to cry.
Oh, poor dear. Did he let you down?
He's dead.
He died in another woman's arms.
He was on the job.
Can you see how tragic my life has been?
Well, I can.
I don't know about the others.
I can too.
So can I.
Have a happy night.
Lovely woman.
Do you mind if I interject?
What?
Do you mind if I make an interjection?
Help yourself.
It's just that a little bit earlier
I heard you saying something
about the Hollywood studio system
in the thirties.
Oh, you heard that?
Yes. And I thought
you might be interested to know
that my grandfather was very familiar
with a lot of the old Hollywood film stars
back in those days.
He used to knock about
with Clark Gable and Elisha Cook, Jr.
and he was one of the very few
native-born Englishmen
to have had it off with Hedy Lamarr.
No!
What was she like in the sack?
He said she was very tasty.
I'll bet she was.
Of course there was
a very well established Irish Mafia
in Hollywood in those days.
And there was a very close connection
between some of the famous
Irish film stars and some of the famous
Irish Gangsters in Chicago.
Al Capone and Victor Mature, for example.
They were both Irish.
Then there was John Dillinger,
the celebrated gangster,
and Gary Cooper,
the celebrated film star.
They were Jewish.
It makes you think, doesn't it?
It does make you think.
You see the girl at that table?
I know her.
I fucked her when she was eighteen.
What, by the banks of the river?
Lambert! It's you!
Suki! You remember me?
Do you remember me?
Do I remember you? Do I remember you!
This is my husband, Russell.
Hello, Russell.
Hello, Lambert.
This is my wife, Julie.
Hello, Suki.
Hello, Julie.
Hello, Julie.
Hello, Russell.
And this is my brother, Matt.
Hello Suki, hello, Russell.
Hello, Matt.
Hello, Matt.
And this is his wife, Prue.
She's Julie's sister.
She's not!
Yes. We're sisters and they're brothers.
They're not!
Hello, Prue.
Hello, Russell.
Hello, Prue.
Hello, Suki.
Sit down. Squeeze in. Have a drink.
What'll you have?
A drop of that red wine
would work wonders.
Suki?
She'll have the same.
Are you still obsessed with gardening?
Me?
When I knew him he was
absolutely obsessed with gardening.
Yes, well, I would say I'm still
moderately obsessed with gardening.
He likes grass.
It's true. I love grass.
Green grass.
You used to love flowers, didn't you?
He adores flowers. The other day I saw him
emptying a piss pot into a bowl of lilies.
My dad was a gardener.
Not your grandad?
No, my dad.
That's right, he was. He was always
walking about with a lawn mower.
What, even in the Old Kent Road?
He was a man of the soil.
How about your grandad?
I never had one.
Funny that when you knew my