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on the sheets the next day -
when Nanny was in the pantry -
my sister and me -
and Nanny was in the pantry
and the pantry maid was in the larder
and the parlor maid
was in the laundry room
washing the blood out of the sheets.
That's how my little sister and I
were brought up
and she could make better sauce
than yours if she pissed into it.
Well, it's lovely to be here,
I'll say that.
Lovely to be here.
Lovely. Lovely.
Really lovely.
Thank You.
Can I thank you?
Can I thank you personally?
I'd like to thank you myself,
in my own way.
Well, thank you.
No, no, I'd really like to thank you
in a very personal way.
She'd like to give you
her personal thanks.
Will you let me kiss you?
I'd like to kiss you on the mouth.
That's funny.
I'd like to kiss him on the mouth too.
Because I've been maligned,
I've been misrepresented.
I never said I didn't like your sauce.
I love your sauce.
We can't both kiss him on the mouth
at the same time.
You could tickle his arse with a feather.
Well, I'm so glad. I'm really glad.
See you later I hope.
Charming man.
That's why this is the best
and most expensive restaurant
in the whole of Europe -
because he insists upon proper standards,
he insists that standards are maintained
with the utmost rigor, you get me?
That standards are maintained up
to the highest standards,
up to the very highest
fucking standards -
He doesn't jib.
Jib? Of course he doesn't jib -
it would be more than his life was worth.
He jibs at nothing!
I knew him in the old days.
What do you mean?
When he was a chef.
Who the fuck's this?
Yes? What? I said no calls!
It's my fucking wedding anniversary!
Cunt.
I'm so proud of you.
Yes?
And I know these people are good people.
These people who believe in you.
They're good people. Aren't they?
Very good people.
And when I meet them,
when you introduce me to them,
they'll treat me with respect,
won't they?
They won't want to fuck me
behind a filing cabinet?
Good evening.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Everything all right?
Wonderful.
No complaints?
Absolutely no complaints whatsoever.
Absolutely numero uno all along the line.
What a lovely compliment.
Heartfelt.
Been to the theater?
The opera.
Oh, really, what was it?
Well... there was a lot going on.
A lot of singing.
A great deal, as a matter of fact.
They never stopped. Did they?
Listen, let me ask you something.
You can ask me absolutely anything.
What was your upbringing?
That's funny. Everybody asks me that.
Everybody seems to find that
an interesting subject. I don't know why.
Isn't it funny? So many people express
curiosity about my upbringing.
I've no idea why.
What you really mean of course is
how did I arrive at the position
I hold now - maitresse d'hotel -
isn't that right?
Isn't that your question?
Well, I was born in Bethnal Green.
My mother was a chiropodist.
I had no father.
Fantastic.
Are you going to try
our bread-and-butter pudding?
In spades.
Did I ever tell you about my mother's
bread-and-butter pudding?
You never have. Please tell me.
You really want me to tell you?
You're not being insincere?
Darling. Give me your hand.
There. I have your hand.
I'm holding your hand.
Now please tell me.
Please tell me about your mother's
bread-and-butter pudding.
What was it like?
It was like drowning
in an ocean of richness.
How beautiful. You're a poet.
I wanted to be a poet once.
But I got no encouragement from my dad.
He thought I was an arsehole.
He was jealous of you, that's all.
He saw you as a threat.
He thought you wanted to steal his wife.
His wife?
Well, you know what they say.
What?
Oh, you know what they say.
Do you mind if I interject?
Eh?
I say, do you mind
if I make an interjection?
We'd welcome it.
It's just that I heard
you talking about T.S. Eliot
a little bit earlier this evening.
Oh, you heard that, did you?
I did. And I thought
you might be interested to know
that my

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