fair.
I can very easily chose
a name for myself.
- I announce it in the newspapers and there
you are. - What do you wish to be called?
Poligraph Poligraphovich.
Stop playing the fool, I am serious.
I don't get it. I mustn't swear.
I mustn't spit.
Yet all I ever hear from you
is 'Fool, fool'.
I guess that in the RSFSR swearing
must be for professors only.
I beg your pardon. Your name struck me
as a little odd. Where, as a matter
of interest, did you dig it up?
The House Committee helped me.
We looked it up in the calendar.
They said: 'What do you fancy',
so I chose that one.
Zina, bring me the calendar
from the consulting room.
There could not possibly be anything
of the sort in any calendar.
Now you do surprise me, considering it
is hanging in your consulting room.
- Here you are.
- Where is it?
Just here. His day is celebrated
on March the fourth.
Yes, there it is... Into the stove
with it. This moment.
And may I ask what surname
you will take?
Surname? I don't object to my
hereditary surname.
Meaning?
Sharikov.
...As comrade Trotsky writes
in his numerous works...
the building of socialist society...
...is quite ensured internationally.
In the capitalist world class
and economic contradictions...
...shall steadily increase.
Remember it once and for all.
Class struggle between the proletariat
and the bourgeoisie...
What should I write?
Nothing difficult.
Write a certificate, citizen Professor.
You know the sort of thing...
...This is to certify that the bearer is
really Poligraph Poligraphovich Sharikov.
Who was born in this flat.
Goddammit, I've never heard
anything so idiotic in my life.
He wasn't born at all, he simply...
well, he sort of...
That's your problem. It's up to you
to decide whether he was born or not.
All in all you were conducting
an experiment, Professor.
- And you are the creator of citizen
Sharikov. - As simple as that.
Kindly keep out of the conversation.
You have no grounds for saying
It was simple... It's very far from simple.
Why should I keep out
of the conversation.
I'm sorry, Professor, but Citizen
Sharikov is absolutely right.
- He has the right to take part
in the discussion of his own future.
- Well, all right.
The bearer is a human being created in
the course of a laboratory experiment...
by means of an operation on the brain.
He requires identity papers.
Dammit! I object in principle
to obtaining these idiotic documents.
Signed: 'Professor Preobrazhensky.
Rather curious, Professor, that you
should call documents idiotic?
I can't allow an undocumented tenant
to go on living in this house.
...especially the one who hasn't
been registered with the militia
for military service.
- Supposing war suddenly breaks out
with imperialist predators?
- I'm not going to war.
You are completely lacking in Political
consciousness, Citizen Sharikov.
- You must register for military service.
- I'll register all right, but
I'll be damned if I'm going to fight.
I was severely wounded during the
operation. Look - they cut me right open.
Are you an anarchist-individualist?
- I ought to be exempt on medical grounds.
- Well, that's not the point.
Meanwhile, we'll send the Professor's
certificate to the militia...
...and you will get your document.
Do you happen to have a spare room in
the house? I'd be prepared to pay for it.
No, Professor, I deeply
regret we don't.
And aren't likely to have any.
I swear, Doctor, that I'm more exhausted
following the past fortnight than
from the past fourteen years!
- Stop, thief!
- Let it go.
A cat! I'll strangle the bastard! Sop!
How many times have I ordered there
should be no cats. Where is it now?
There he is, in the bathroom,
the devil.
Ivan Arnoldovich, please reassure
the patients. Open up this instant!
- I'll get you!
- There it is. The cat's here.
Come out at once! Why have
you locked yourself in?
What on earth... I can't hear
a thing - turn the water