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I'll give you a weeks lunch money.
-I don't want your money.
I want your strength.
Westerburg doesn't need mushy togetherness,
it needs a strong leader.
Heather Chandler was that leader, but...
-But she couldn't handle it.
-I think you can.
Moby Dick is dunked.
The white whale drank some bad plankton
and splashed through a coffee table.
Now it's your turn to take the helm.
-What about the photographs?
-Don't worry.
I'll ask you to do me a favour,
it'll be one you'll enjoy.
And you'll get the negatives and everything back then.
But in the mean time... strength.
Here's a little gift.
Have a good day, Heather.
-Guess who?
-Hello Betty?
This is Veronica.
-I don't believe it, I'm winning!
-Don't you start getting cocky on me now, girl.
-I've really missed you.
I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends.
-That is bullshit. Shoot.
-Do you know I'm still a virgin?
Ok, I french kissed Al Springler once.
Total disaster!
-Shoot the ball!
-You know Betty, your day dreams are
much better than my reality, believe me...
But know, prepare to die.
-You're not gonna go for just those two shots?
Go ahead, knock me out.
It's the only way to win.
It's not my style.
-Nice guys finish last. I should know.
-I gotta go home, OK?
-Bye, Betty.
-Betty, leaving so soon?
-I'm red.
"The Westerburg suicides were tough on all of us.
But we shared the pain of losing
three very popular students.
I came into the cafeteria
and asked them to hold hands, ..."
-Isn't that the flake we met at the Open House?
"... in a burst of cleansing syncronicity,
TV cameras happened upon the scene"
-Cleansing syncronicity?
-Outpouring of emotion?
-Look! There's Heather!
-And there's Heather!
Where are you, Veronica?
"Before a teenager decides to kill himself,
there are certain facts that he should know.
After all, this is a decision that effects all of us.
And there's only one chance to get it right."
-Turn that back on!
-Can't you see these programs
are eating suicide with a spoon?
They make it sound like it's a cool thing to do!
-Are you telling me this is not a time for troubled youth?
Stand up straight.
-All we want is to be treated like human beings.
Not experimented on like guinea pigs,
or patronized like bunny rabbits.
-I don't patronize bunny rabbits!
-Treated like human beings?
Is that what you said,
little Ms. Voice-of-a-Generation?
Just, how do you think adults act with other adults?
Do you think it's just like a game of doubles tennis?
When teenagers complain that
they wants to be treated like human beings,
it's usually because
they ARE being treated like human beings.
-I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.
-You'll live...
Want some pate?
-Hi everybody, the door was open.
Veronica, have you heard?
We were doing chinese at the food fair
when it comes over the phone that
Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm.
She belly flopped in front of a car,
wearing a suicide note.
-Is she dead?
-No, that's the punchline.
She's alive, and in stabile condition.
Just another example of a geek trying to imitate
the popular people at school, failing miserably.
Is that pate?
-I said I was sorry!
-You were out of control!
I mean, Heather and Kurt were a shock,
but Martha Dumptruck?
Get crucial. She has dialed
the suicide hotline since she was in diapers.
-You're not funny.
Martha couldn't take the heat,
so she got out of the kitchen.
Just think what a better place this world would be
if every moron followed her cue.
-Shut up. Hot Probs is on.
-Oh, shit, yeah.
-It's like Skip is Ok, but still,
sometimes I feel like I'm on that island...
And Gilligan can just be so stupid sometimes.
-Well, dude, just remember:
if it wasn't for the fearless crew,
the minnow would be lost, and you are too.
-Next call!
-That sounded like a big one.
-You've got the dog catcher!
-My name is Heather.
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