Is she dead?
No. That's the punch line.
She's in stable condition.
Just another case of a geek trying to imitate
the popular people and failing miserably.
Is that pвtй?
- I said I was sorry.
- You were out of control.
Heather and Kurt were a shock
but Martha Dumptruck?
Get crucial. She dialled
suicide hotlines in her diapers.
You're not funny.
Look, Martha couldn't take the heat
so she got out of the kitchen.
Just think what a better place this world
would be if every nimrod followed her cue.
Just shut up. Hot Probs is on.
Oh, shit. Yeah.
(Man) 'Skipper's OK but sometimes
I feel like I'm on that island
'and Gilligan can be so stupid sometimes... '
If it wasn't for the courage
of the fearless crew,
the Minnow would be lost,
and you are too.
Next call.
'Hey, you've got the dog-catcher.'
'My name is Heather.
No... it's not Heather.'
No, it...
It's Madonna. Jeez. No, not that.
Hey, babe, I need a name.
(Bird chirps)
My name is Tweety.
'Tweety?
'Ooh, tweet! '
God has cursed me, I think.
The last guy I had sex with
killed himself the next day.
I'm failing math.
My whole life is a mess.
I'm supposed to be captain of
the cheerleading...
She knows we listen to this show.
Holy shit! We'll crucify her.
'... my parents are divorced and stuff... '
'Heather told everyone about Heather.
'Yes, dear diary,
I've cut off Heather Chandler's head
'and Heather Duke's head
has sprouted in its place
'like some mythological thing
'my eighth-grade boyfriend
would have known about.
'Heather's even doing the old note trick.
'(Sighs) I've seen JD's way.
'I've seen Miss Pauline Fleming's way
'and nothing has changed.
'I guess that's Heather's way.
'And, Jesus, what about JD?
'I can't get him out of my head.
'Wait. Where's Heather going? '
Where's Heather going?
She's going to cry.
(Students laugh)
Fucking child protector caps.
Now where is she going?
Heather.
- What are you trying to do? Kill me?
- What are you trying to do? Sleep?
Suicide is a private thing.
Heather, you're throwing your life away
to become a statistic
in the US fucking A Today.
That's the least private thing I can think of.
What about Heather and Kurt and Ram?
If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
Probably.
Hey now, if you were happy
every day of your life,
you wouldn't be a human being,
you'd be a game show host.
What do you say we knock off early,
buy some shoes, something lame like that?
OK.
So it's come to this.
Heather Chandler did polls,
I want you to do a petition,
as a favour, as the favour.
You've heard of the group Big Fun, right?
That's right. Teenage Suicide Don't Do It.
Right. Some teenybopper rag
says that they want to play a prom.
It could be Westerburg's
if we get everybody's John Hancock.
I'll get right on it, coach.
Little gift for you. I won't be needing it.
Heather?
Veronica.
Colour me stoked, girl.
Everyone's signed this petition,
even the ones who think
Big Fun are tuneless Eurofags.
People love me.
You haven't signed yet.
People love you but I know you.
Jennifer Forbes told me
the petition she signed
was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria
and Doug Hilton said...
Some people need
different kinds of convincing.
Just sign the petition, OK?
Don't talk to me like that, OK?
Look, it was JD's idea.
He made out the signature sheet
and everything so why not just sign it?
No.
Jealous much?
Heather, why can't you just be a friend?
Why are you such a megabitch?
Because I can be.
Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?
Do you think if Betty Finn's
fairy godmother made her cool,
she'd still hang out
with her dweebette friends?
No way, Veronica.
Uh-uh.
(JD) Want to go out tonight?
Catch a movie, some miniature golf?
I was thinking more along the lines
of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open,
making it look like a suicide.
Now you're talking. I could be up for that.
I've already started
underlining meaningful passages
in her copy of Moby