Well, I don't know. He was really detailed.
- Shh.
- Shut up, Courtney.
No, don't shut up.
I'd like to know exactly what I did.
Come on, Veronica.
I'll show you the lunch-time poll topic.
What the fuck?
I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly
but he said that he and Ram
had a nice little sword fight
in your mouth last night.
Ew! That son of a bitch.
Hi, Kurt?
Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer.
I didn't expect to be calling, either.
I guess my emotions took over.
I was wondering if you wanted those things
you've been saying to really happen.
It's always been a fantasy of mine
to have two guys at once.
Oh, sure, you can write to Penthouse forum.
(Snickering)
Yeah, in the woods behind the school.
At dawn.
Don't forget Ram.
Why am I writing a suicide note when we're
just going to be shooting them with blanks?
We're not gonna be using blanks this time.
You can't be serious.
I am.
Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.
Wait a second, wait a second.
Do you take German?
French.
All right. These are echt Luger bullets.
My grandfather snared
a shitload of them back in WWII.
They're like tranquillisers,
only they break the skin's surface enough
to cause blood but no real damage.
So it looks like
the person's been shot and killed
and really they're just
unconscious and bleeding?
Oh.
Right.
See, we shoot Kurt and Ram,
make it look like they shot each other
and by the time they regain consciousness,
they'll be the laughing stock of the school.
The note's the punch line.
How'd that turn out?
First tell me the similarity is not incredible.
It's incredible similarity.
OK. Ahem.
"Ram and I died the day we realised
"we could never reveal our forbidden love
to an uncaring and un-understanding world.
"The joy we shared in each other's arms
was greater than any touchdown,
"yet we were forced to live the lie
"of sexist, beer-guzzling, jock assholes."
That's perfect.
Let's take a look at some
of the homosexual artefacts
I dug up to plant at the scene.
All right. An issue of Stud Puppy.
That's great!
A candy dish, a Joan Crawford postcard.
Good.
Some mascara.
All right, now, here's the one perfecto thing
I picked up -
mineral water.
Come on, a lot of people
drink mineral water. It's come a long way.
Yeah, but this is Ohio.
If you don't have a brewski in your hand,
you might as well be wearing a dress.
Oh, you're so smart.
Hi, Veronica.
Hi, guys.
Glad you could make it.
So should I just whip it out or...
Well, I've made a circle
on each side of the clearing.
Ram, you come over here.
Kurt.
When you get to the circle, strip.
What about you?
I was hoping you could
rip my clothes off me, sport.
Oh.
Good idea.
OK. Count of three, guys.
One...
two...
- Three!
- (Gunshot)
(Screams)
You missed him completely?
It was worth it just to see the look...
Don't move. I'll get him back.
Ha!
- No.
- Now!
- Hey, I heard it that time.
- What?
Another gunshot from the woods.
Oh, shit. Let's roll!
Kurt doesn't look too good.
Just remember he's left-handed.
(Cop) Keep going until you hit the clearing.
Come on.
- Mother of shit!
- Call in.
- (Rustling)
- Hey, I heard something out there.
I'm checking it out.
This is Officer McCord.
I've got two dead bodies in the woods
behind Westerburg High.
Whoa! Whoa!
(Radio) 'Milner, can you hear me?
What's going down? '
Yeah... I think what I heard
was just a bunny rabbit.
All I've got here is two kids
making out in a station wagon.
'Should I pry them apart? '
No. Forget it.
I got all the answers back here.
Hey...
are they naked?
Yeah, so what's the deal?
Suicide. Double suicide.
They shot each other.
Hey, that's Kurt Kelly.
Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.
Phew. My God, suicide. Why?
Does this answer your question?
Oh, man. They were fags.
Listen up. "We realised we could never
reveal our forbidden love
"to an uncaring
and un-understanding world."
Jesus H Christ!
The quarterback