slushie. I'm not belittling the foodless fund, Peter, but we're talking teen suicide here. The number one song in America today is Teenage Suicide Don't Do It by Big Fun. Westerburg finally got one of these things and I'm not gonna blow it. So Heather gets the front page and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon. Hi, guys, I came to check up on this week's lunch-time poll topic. Don't worry about it, Veronica. Sit down, huh? That funeral yesterday must have really been rough, huh? Oh, yeah. We were wondering if you had any poems, artwork that Heather did that we can put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread? The what? Look, it's a two-page layout with her suicide note right up here in the corner. It's more tasteful than it sounds. I don't know, Dennis, this stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Like last night, Veronica? Excuse me? I don't get it. You did last night. Kurt told us of your little date. Yeah, and? I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit. Well, I don't know. He was really detailed. - Shh. - Shut up, Courtney. No, don't shut up. I'd like to know exactly what I did. Come on, Veronica. I'll show you the lunch-time poll topic. What the fuck? I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night. Ew! That son of a bitch. Hi, Kurt? Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer. I didn't expect to be calling, either. I guess my emotions took over. I was wondering if you wanted those things you've been saying to really happen. It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once. Oh, sure, you can write to Penthouse forum. Yeah, in the woods behind the school. At dawn. Don't forget Ram. Why am I writing a suicide note when we're just going to be shooting them with blanks? We're not gonna be using blanks this time. You can't be serious. I am. Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over. Wait a second, wait a second. Do you take German? French. All right. These are echt Luger bullets. My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWII. They're like tranquillisers, only they break the skin's surface enough to cause blood but no real damage. So it looks like the person's been shot and killed and really they're just unconscious and bleeding? Right. See, we shoot Kurt and Ram, make it look like they shot each other and by the time they regain consciousness, they'll be the laughing stock of the school. The note's the punch line. How'd that turn out? First tell me the similarity is not incredible. It's incredible similarity. OK. Ahem. "Ram and I died the day we realised "we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and un-understanding world. "The joy we shared in each other's arms was greater than any touchdown, "yet we were forced to live the lie "of sexist, beer-guzzling, jock assholes." That's perfect. Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artefacts I dug up to plant at the scene. All right. An issue of Stud Puppy. That's great! A candy dish, a Joan Crawford postcard. Good. Some mascara. All right, now, here's the one perfecto thing I picked up - mineral water. Come on, a lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way. Yeah, but this is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand, you might as well be wearing a dress. Oh, you're so smart. Hi, Veronica. Hi, guys. Glad you could make it. So should I just whip it out or... Well, I've made a circle on each side of the clearing. Ram, you come over here. Kurt. When you get to the circle, strip. What about you? I was hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport. Good idea. OK. Count of three, guys. One... two... Three! You missed him completely? It was worth it just to see the look... Don't move. I'll get him back. Ha! - No. - Now! - Hey, I heard it that time. - What? Another gunshot from the woods. Oh, shit. Let's roll! Kurt doesn't look too
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