Dear Martha, you're so sweet...
I'm telling you, man, it'd so be righteous
to be in a Veronica Sawyer -
Heather Chandler sandwich.
Hell, yes.
I want to put a Heather on my johnson
and spin her around like a pinwheel.
Punch it in.
Westerburg feeds the world.
Come on, people.
Give that leftover lunch money
to people who don't have lunches.
God, aren't they fed yet?
Do they even have thanksgiving in Africa?
Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, Tater Tots.
It's a real party continent.
Sawyer, guess what today is.
Ouch. Lunch-time poll?
What's the question?
Yeah, what's the question, Heather?
God, you were with me in study hall
when I thought of it.
I forgot.
Such a pillowcase.
It's not that bizarro thing you were babbling
about over the phone last night, is it?
Of course it is.
I told Dennis if he gives me another
political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks.
Oh, Veronica, I'm sorry.
Betty Finn. Gosh.
I'm sorry I couldn't go
to your birthday party last month.
It's OK. Your mom said you had a big date.
I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.
Don't say that.
I was looking around the other day
and I dug up these old photographs.
Oh. They're great.
Come on, Veronica.
I was talking to somebody.
(Slurps)
Great. Here comes Heather.
Oh, shit.
- Hi, Courtney. Love your cardigan.
- Thanks.
I got it last night at The Limited.
Like, totally blew my allowance.
Check this out. You win $5 million
from the Publisher Sweepstakes
and the same day
the guy gives you the cheque,
aliens land on the earth and say they'll blow
up the world in two days. What do you do?
That's easy.
I'd just slide that wad over to my father
because he's one of the state's top brokers.
If I got that money,
I'd give it all to the homeless.
Every cent.
You're beautiful.
If you're going to openly be a bitch...
Why can't we talk to
kinds of different people?
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
Do I look like Mother Teresa?
If I did, I probably wouldn't mind
talking to the geek squad.
Did see that? Heather number one
just looked right at me.
Does it not bother you that
everybody thinks you're a piranha?
Like I give a shit.
They all want me as a friend or a fuck.
I'm worshiped at Westerburg
and I'm only a junior.
I can't believe this, we're going to a party
at Remington University tonight
and we're brushing up on our conversational
skills with the scum of the school.
Hi.
Hi.
So this is what's called a lunch-time poll.
You win $5 million
in the Publisher Sweepstakes
and the same day whatshisface
gives you the cheque
aliens land on earth
and say they'll blow up the world
in two days.
What are you going to do with the money?
I'd go to Egypt.
With a girl.
I'd use the money for
an end-of-the-world get-together.
I'd pay Madonna a million bucks
to sit on my face
and ride like the Kentucky Derby.
That's the most spooky-assed question
I ever heard.
After taxes, I'll only be getting...
She should pay me, though.
You go to the zoo and get a lion and
put a remote control bomb up its butt...
Then there's social security, legal fees...
Push the button on the bomb
and you and the lion die like one.
What?
Oh, my God. Here we go.
Oh, my God.
(Hysterical laughter)
Hi, Veronica.
Five keeps an infant alive.
You wanted to be a member of
the most powerful clique in school.
If I wasn't already the head of it,
I'd want the same thing.
Come on, Veronica.
You used to have a sense of humour.
Veronica, could you
come back here a minute?
A true friend's work is never done.
- Gross.
- Gross.
Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.
- Maybe you should see a doctor.
- Yeah, maybe.
Come on, Heather,
let's take another look at today's lunch.
God, Veronica, drool much?
His name's Jason Dean.
He's in my American History.
Hello, Jason Dean.
Greetings and salutations.
Are you a Heather?
No.
I'm a Veronica. Sawyer.
This may seem like
a really stupid question...
There are no stupid questions.