What is this shit?
-Doing a favour for Heather.
Double date.
I tried to tell you at the funeral,
but you rode off.
-Another fuckin' Heather.
Sorry, I'm feeling a little superior tonight.
Seven schools in seven states,
and the only thing different is my locker combination.
Our love is God.
Let's go get a slushie.
-I'm not belittling the foodless fund, Peter,
it's just that we're talking teenage suicide here.
Ask Alison: The number one song on America today is
"Teenage suicide, don't do it" by Big Fun.
Jesus man, Westerburg finally got one of these things,
and I'm not gonna blow it!
-Great. So Heather gets the front page,
and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupons.
-Hi guys.
Came to check up on this weeks lunch time poll topic.
-Don't worry about it Veronica. Sit down.
The funeral yesterday must really have been rough, eh?
-Oh, yeah...
-We were wondering if you had any poems...
artwork that Heather did that we can put
in the Heather Chandler Yearbook Spring.
-The what?
-Come here, take a look.
A two page layout, with her suicude note
right up here in the corner.
It's more tasteful than it sounds.
-I don't know Dennis,
this stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
-Like last night, Veronica?
-Excuse me? I don't get it.
-What you did last night.
Kurt told us of your little date.
-Yeah, and? I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.
-Well, I don't know,
he was really detailed...
-Shut up, Courtney.
-No, don't shut up, I'd like to know exactly what I did.
-Come on, Veronica.
I'll show you the lunch time poll topic.
-What the fuck?
-OK, I rarely listen to neanderthals like Kurt Kelly,
but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight
in your mouth last night.
-You know what I mean?
-No!
That son-of-a-bitch!
-Hi Kurt. Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer.
Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either,
I guess my emotions took over...
I was wondering if you wanted all those things
you've been saying to really happen?
It's always been a fantasy of mine
to have two guys at once.
Sure, you can write to Penthouse Forum.
Yeah, in the woods behind the school.
At dawn. Don't forget Ram!
-I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note
when we'll just going to be shooting them with blanks.
-We're not going to be using blanks, this time.
-You can't be serious.
-I am.
-Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.
-Wait a second, wait a second. Do you take german?
-French.
-Alright, these are Ich Luge bullets.
-My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWII.
They're like tranquillizers, only they break the surface of the skin,
enough to cause a little blood, but no real damage.
-So it looks like the person has been shot and killed,
and really they're just laying there unconsious and bleeding?
-Right.
We shoot Kurt and Ram,
make it look like they shot each other.
By the time they regain consiousness
they will be the laughing stock of the whole school.
The note's the punchline, how did that turn out?
-First tell me the similarity is not increadible.
-Incredible similarity...
-OK.
Ram and I died the day we realized
we could never reveal our forbidden love
to an uncaring and ununderstanding world.
The joy we shared in each others arms was greater
than any touch down,
yet we were forced to live the lives of sexist,
beer guzzling jock assholes.
-It's perfect.
Let's take a look at some the homosexual artifacts
I dug up to plant at the scene.
Alright.
An issue of Stud Puppie.
-Great.
-Candy dish.
Joan Crawford postcard.
Let's see...
Some mascara.
Alright. Here's the one perfecto thing I picked up.
Mineral water.
-Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water.
It's come a long way.
-Yes, but this is Ohio.
I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand
you might as well be wearing a dress.
-Oh, you're so smart.
-Hi Veronica!
-Hi guys!
I'm glad you could make it.
-So, should I just whoop it out, or?
-Well, I made a circle on each side of