about Heather and Kurt and Ram?
If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
Probably.
Hey now, if you were happy
every day of your life,
you wouldn't be a human being,
you'd be a game show host.
What do you say we knock off early,
buy some shoes, something lame like that?
OK.
So it's come to this.
Heather Chandler did polls,
I want you to do a petition,
as a favour, as the favour.
You've heard of the group Big Fun, right?
That's right. Teenage Suicide Don't Do It.
Right. Some teenybopper rag
says that they want to play a prom.
It could be Westerburg's
if we get everybody's John Hancock.
I'll get right on it, coach.
Little gift for you. I won't be needing it.
Heather?
Veronica.
Colour me stoked, girl.
Everyone's signed this petition,
even the ones who think
Big Fun are tuneless Eurofags.
People love me.
You haven't signed yet.
People love you but I know you.
Jennifer Forbes told me
the petition she signed
was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria
and Doug Hilton said...
Some people need
different kinds of convincing.
Just sign the petition, OK?
Don't talk to me like that, OK?
Look, it was JD's idea.
He made out the signature sheet
and everything so why not just sign it?
No.
Jealous much?
Heather, why can't you just be a friend?
Why are you such a megabitch?
Because I can be.
Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?
Do you think if Betty Finn's
fairy godmother made her cool,
she'd still hang out
with her dweebette friends?
No way, Veronica.
Uh-uh.
(JD) Want to go out tonight?
Catch a movie, some miniature golf?
I was thinking more along the lines
of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open,
making it look like a suicide.
Now you're talking. I could be up for that.
I've already started
underlining meaningful passages
in her copy of Moby Dick,
if you know what I mean.
I knew you'd be back, Veronica.
I knew it. I was positive sure.
(Grunts)
It's over, JD, over.
Grow up!
You don't get it.
You were wrong. I was right.
Strength, damn it!
Come on, come back!
Yes?
Your friend Jason Dean stopped by.
He seemed very concerned about you.
He said he thought
you might try to kill yourself.
You have been depressed lately.
Oh, he left this for you.
Oh, my God.
He said that we should
keep you away from sharp objects,
closed garage doors,
chemical, uh, substances.
- Prescription drugs.
- Prescription drugs.
"To neither love
nor reverence wilt thou be kind,
"and even for hate thou canst but kill,
"and all are killed."
I like it.
It's got that what-a-cruel-world
so let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss
type of ambiance, huh?
Come on. It's Heather's copy of Moby Dick.
Why don't you give it a try?
Underline something.
Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho!
You think you're a rebel?
Do you actually think you're a rebel?
You're not a rebel.
You're fucking psychotic.
You say "tom-ay-to", I say "tom-ah-to".
Hold it.
Eskimo. Look at that.
That's one word. I love it!
I usually go for the whole sentence myself
but this is perfecto.
Eskimo, you know, it's so, uh, mysterious.
Eskimo.
Come on.
JD, you are not listening to me.
Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag!
Th-th-that knife is filthy.
Do you think I'm going to
take out her tonsils with it?
Excuse me, I think I know Heather
a little better than you do.
If she was going to slit her wrists,
the knife would be spotless.
How's this? Can you see your fucking
reflection in the thing?
Tomorrow someone else
will move into her place.
That person could be me.
Ha! There's only one of us
knows Heather's handwriting.
If you think I'll write another suicide note,
you're wrong.
You don't get it! Society nods its head
at any horror the American teenager
can think to bring upon itself.
Nobody's going to care about
exact handwriting. Help me. Quick.
Life sucks.
It's perfecto.
Jesus, I've got
a meaningfully marked-up Moby Dick.
What else does a suicide need, huh?
Now, if you'll excuse me.
No!
Open the door!