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Самолётом, поездом и автомобилем

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Your friend
has never been here,
so I figured he'd like
to look around.
There's nothing
on the interstate.
It's the middle
of the night.
I know, but he's
proud of his town.
That's a rare thing
these days.
Take care of the luggage,
will you, Doobie?
OK, Del.
Get off of me.
Stick with me.
Evening, Gus.
Del Griffith,
how the hell are you?
Still a million bucks shy
of being a millionaire.
Gus, meet an old friend.
Neal Page, Gus Mooney.
Glad to meet you, Nick.
I told my friend you'd
give him a room tonight.
Do you have
a major credit card?
Do you still honor those discount
credit cards?
I'll have to charge you
for a double,
but with the discount,
it'll come out even.
We're a pretty good team.
We were on our way
to Chicago,
and the storm
brought us here.
I know.
I must have half your flight here.
Well, I guess you're all fixed,
so, uh, there you are.
Last room in the complex.
You mean sh-share?
[Crash]
Hey, easy on that.
OK.
Hell of a cab ride,
wasn't it?
Yeah, you don't see
cabs like that too often.
Want to take a shower?
No!
I meant, did you want to go first?
You-you thought...
I wouldn't...
What do you think I am?
Gee, that's funny.
Ah. Ah.
Oh, come...
come on.
Ah! Ouch, ouch, ouch!
[Television]
To wear a pompadour...
Excuse me.
I'd switch pillows with you,
but I'm allergic to sponge.
I'd be sneezing all night
with that thing.
That's why I carry
my own pillow.
It's hypoallergenic.
I had no idea
those beer cans
would blow like that.
You left them
on a vibrating bed.
What did you think
would happen?
It just didn't
occur to me.
It didn't
occur to you,
so I have to sleep
in a puddle of beer.
You want to switch?
I just want to sleep.
Me, too.
I am bushed.
Good night.
Good night.
[Television]
I'll have to burn the sheets!
What if the shoe
was on the other foot?
I'd go barefoot!
[Cracking Knuckles]
[Cracking Neck]
[Scratching]
Traffic is resuming
at O'Hare field,
and flights will be
moving shortly.
[Snorts]
Sorry.
[Snorts]
Goddamn!
What, what?
That's it!
Without clearing my sinuses,
I'll snore all night.
If your kid spills his milk,
do you slap him?
What-what-what is that
supposed to mean?
You're not a very
tolerant person.
You've bugged me
since New York,
starting with
stealing my cab.
God, you're a tight-ass.
How would you like
a mouthful of teeth?
Oh, and hostile, too.
Nice personality combination...
hostile and intolerant.
That's borderline criminal.
Screw you.
You spilled beer
all over the bed,
you mess up
the bathroom...
Who let you stay?
I even let you pay,
so you wouldn't feel
like an intruder.
An intruder?
Right. You ruined a nice trip.
Who talked my ear off
on the plane?
Who was that?
I'm curious.
Who told you to book a room?
I did.
You're an ungrateful jackass.
Sleep in the lobby.
I hope you wake up so stiff
you can't even move.
You got a free cab,
a free room,
and someone
who will listen
to your boring stories.
Didn't you notice on the plane
when you started talking,
I started reading
the vomit bag?
Didn't that
give you some clue
that this guy's
not enjoying it?
Everything's not an anecdote.
You have to discriminate.
You choose things
that are funny
or mildly amusing
or interesting.
You're a miracle.
Your stories
have none of that.
They're not even
amusing accidentally.
Honey, meet Del Griffith.
He's got some
amusing anecdotes.
Here's a gun so you can
blow your brains out.
You'll thank me for it.
I could tolerate
any insurance seminar.
For days,
I could listen to them go on and on.
They'd say,
"How can you stand it?"
And I'd say,
"'Cause I've been with Del Griffith.
I can take anything."
You know what they'd say?
"I know what you mean.
The shower curtain
ring guy."
It's like going on a date
with a Chatty Cathy doll.
There should be
a string on your chest
that I pull
Самолётом, поездом и автомобилем Самолётом, поездом и автомобилем

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