Bust his goddamn ass for him.
If l could have got a hold
of that fat bastard out in the alley...
I’d have whipped his ass.
- You get in a lot of fights, don't you?
- You wanna start with me?
Go ahead. Put them up.
Guy must've had false teeth.
First time l got busted was for fighting.
I was screwing this cabdriver's wife.
He came home early.
We ended up out in the street,
and l was naked.
That's a beauty.
I really nailed him.
He was kind of a nice guy, too.
It's a shame.
You don't have to hit people.
Not if you make them laugh.
Bullshit.
Max, you know the story
of the scarecrow?
No.
You think crows are scared
of a scarecrow?
Yeah, l think they're scared. Why?
- No, crows are not scared, believe me.
- No, the goddamn crows are scared.
No. Crows are laughing.
- That's bullshit.
- That's right. Crows are laughing.
Look, the farmer puts out
a scarecrow, right...
with a funny hat on it. Got a funny face.
Crows fly by. They see that,
strikes them funny, makes them laugh.
The goddamn crows are laughing?
That's right. They're laughing
their asses off. Then they say:
"That old farmer Jones down there,
he's a pretty good guy.
"He made us laugh.
So we won't bother him anymore."
- The goddamn crows are laughing.
- They laugh.
I gotta tell you something.
That's the most harebrained idea
I’ve ever heard.
Well, it's true. Laughing their asses off.
The crows are laughing at it?
Yeah, man.
- I guess the fish are reciting poetry.
- I guess so.
And the pigs are playing banjo?
And the dogs, let's see...
the dogs would be playing hockey, right?
- And the...
- Crows are laughing.
Crows are laughing. Right.
In the joint, l heard some tales.
Oh, boy, howdy. I heard some tall tales.
But at least those guys in there,
they had the decency to admit...
that that was just bullshit.
You know what l mean?
It was just bullshit.
They actually... They took pride...
Pride in it, that it was bullshit.
But the crows are laughing?
Oh, brother.
I mean, you're not playing
with a full deck, man.
You got one foot in the great beyond.
Max, what do you do when it's cold?
I put on more clothes.
I’m a cold-blooded bastard.
I can never get warm enough.
Gotta take a little nap after every fight.
- What's with the shoe?
- What's with minding your own business?
Boy, some partner l picked.
You didn't pick me. I picked you.
Why?
Because you gave me your last match.
You made me laugh.
The damn crows are laughing.
I remember the first time
l was in Catholic school.
A nun called me up in front of the class,
says, "Francis, stick out your hand."
So l stick out my hand.
She whacks it with a stick.
I said, "What did l do?"
She said, "You were talking."
I said, "No, l wasn't."
She says, "Yes, you were."
I said, "How could l be talking?
I don't know anybody here.
"This is my first day in school."
That's as far as we can take you.
Hey, chief, l thought
you were gonna take us to a town.
This is our town.
No wonder they lost the war.
Nobody can understand them.
- Been eating rice for a year?
- Yeah. We all have.
- My system couldn't handle that.
- No, it's very good for your system.
Look at my baby.
- He's healthy and pure.
- Yeah. Right.
He likes you, Max.
I think your...
This is it. This is our spot.
Are you sure?
Yeah, right here.
This is where we were going.
- Sure we can't take you anywhere?
- No, this is fine, man.
You guys take it easy.
- Thanks for the lift.
- All right.
Okay, I’ll close it.
- Have a nice day.
- All right.
Bye. Hope he feels better.
Give me half an hour with those kids,
I’d get them straightened out.
- What happened?
- Can you imagine?
The kid unloaded on me...
and that broad has the nerve to say,
"Have a nice day."
- Let's get a drink.
- Okay.
How come you didn't pound
that old lady in the mouth?
What old lady?
The one that hit you in the palms
with the stick.
She was a nun.
Shut the door, you big dope.
You're letting all