concerned
for the president.
"I'm sure our hopes
and prayers are with him."
I want to say I know we are all
concerned for the president...
and our hopes and prayers
are with him.
He didn't phrase it right.
He didn't sell the line.
You bought yourself one day,
maybe two.
All I need
is 11 till the election.
This isn't gonna hold
for 11 days.
-The guy fucked a Girl Scout.
-A Firefly Girl.
He fucked a Firefly Girl.
What are you gonna do
to hold that off?
I'm gonna get my veggie shake.
What do you think
would hold it off?
Nothing.
You'd have to have a war.
You're kidding.
You're not kidding.
I'm in show business.
Why come to me?
I'll tell you why.
"54, 40, or fight."
What does that mean?
-It's a slogan.
-"Remember the Maine."
"Tippecanoe and Tyler, too."
They're war slogans.
We remember the slogans,
not the wars.
You know why?
That's show business.
That's why we're here.
Naked girl, covered in napalm.
"V" for victory.
5 Marines raising the flag,
Mount Surabachi.
You remember the picture
in 50 years, but forget the war.
The Gulf War, smart bomb
falling down a chimney.
2,500 missions a day, 100 days.
One video of one bomb.
The American people
bought that war.
War is show business.
That's why we're here.
What do you do
for the president?
Why Albania?
Why not?
They gotta know at some point.
Who?
The public.
They gotta know?
Get with it.
Who killed Kennedy?
I read the first draft
of the Warren Report.
Says he was killed
by a drunk driver.
The Gulf War.
What do you see day after day?
The one smart bomb
falling down a chimney.
The truth?
I was in the building
when we shot that shot.
We shot it in a studio
in Falls Church, Virginia.
1/10 scale model of a building.
Is that true?
How do we know?
You take my point?
All right.
You want me to do what?
To produce.
You want me to produce your war?
Not a war.
It's a pageant.
We need a theme,
a song, some visuals.
It's a pageant.
It's like the Oscars.
That's why we came to you.
I never won an Oscar.
That's a shame,
but you produced the Oscars.
Indeed, I did.
You're a writer,
that's your script.
You're a director,
but if you're the producer...
nobody knows what you do.
The producer,
all he's got is the credit.
You see?
And some plaques on the wall.
They don't know what we do.
Don't get me started.
If you never won an Oscar...
how would you like
an ambassadorship?
An ambassadorship?
That's my payoff?
Tell me what you want.
I'd just do it
for a story to tell.
You couldn't tell anybody.
I'm just kidding.
-You couldn't tell anybody.
-Just a figure of speech.
It's a pageant.
That's what it is.
The country's at war.
It's Miss America.
You're Bert Parks.
-Why Albania?
-Because.
What do we have
that they want?
-Freedom.
-Why would they want that?
-Oppressed?
-Fuck freedom.
They want to destroy
the godless Satan.
They want to destroy
our way of life.
All right?
The president is in China.
He is dealing with the dispatch
of the B-3 bomber to Albania.
Why?
Why? Help me.
Geo-politically...
We found out they have the bomb.
-That's good.
-And... wait a second.
The bomb's not there...
because they'd have to have
a rocket and that shit.
They are a bunch of wogs.
Cross that out.
It's a suitcase bomb.
I didn't know I said that.
It's a suitcase bomb.
You don't need missiles.
You can put a bomb
in a suitcase.
That's good.
A suitcase bomb.
It's a suitcase bomb.
When it's cooking, it's cooking.
We're cooking, and it's in...
Canada. All right?
Albanian terrorists
have placed a suitcase bomb...
in Canada in an attempt
to infiltrate it into the USA.
-That's good.
-That's terrific.
I'll tell you why.
It is cost effective.
It's producing.
That's what it is.
-It's really great.
-I could tell you stories.
Cecil B. De Mille,
The Greatest Show on Earth...
he needs an elephant.
I got the president on the line.
One minute.
Needs an elephant for a reshoot.
Know