anybody.
I'm just kidding.
- I mean, you couldn't tell anybody.
- No, no, no. It's just a figure of speech.
It's a pageant.
It's a pageant. That's what it is.
The country's at war.
It's Miss America. You're Bert Parks.
- Why Albania?
- Because...
They have to have something we want.
What do we have that they want?
- Freedom.
- Why would they want that?
- Oppressed?
- No, no, no. Fuck freedom.
They want to destroy the
godless Satan on the United.
They want to destroy our way of life.
All right? Ok? Ok? Ok?
The president is in China.
He is dealing with the dispatch
of the B-3 bomber to Albania.
Why?
Why? Help me.
All right, all right. Let's
see. Geo-politically if we...
We just found out they have the bomb.
We just found out they have the bomb.
- That's good.
- And, and... wait a second.
No, no. The bomb's not there...
...because they'd have to
have a rocket and that shit.
They are a bunch of wogs. No,
no. Cross that out. All right.
It's a suitcase bomb.
I didn't know I said that.
It's a suitcase bomb.
You don't need missiles.
You can put a bomb in a suitcase. Right?
It's a suitcase bomb.
That's good. A suitcase bomb.
It's a suitcase bomb.
When it's cooking, it's cooking.
We're cooking, and it's
in... it's in...it's in...
Canada. All right?
Albanian terrorists have
placed a suitcase bomb...
...in Canada in an attempt to
infiltrate the bomb into the USA.
That's good.
That's terrific. I'll tell
you why. It is cost effective.
It's producing. That's what it is.
- It's really great.
- I could tell you stories.
Cecil B. De Mille, all right?
The Greatest Show on Earth...
...he needs an elephant.
I got the president on the line.
One minute. Hey, one minute.
De Mille, right?
Needs an elephant for a
reshoot. Know what he does?
Ames here. Yes, sir?
You listening?
- Nobody's listening.
- I'm listening.
- Ok, ok, ok.
- The suitcase bomb.
- Good title for a movie.
Please, write it down.
Don't editorialize.
The thinking is, terrorism.
Act One: Albania denies everything.
The president comes on
the air, "Be calm."
Know what I need right now?
You better get me Johnny Dean,
Liz Butsky, and the Fad King.
Isn't Johnny Dean in the...
Back in Nashville.
- Ok. Act Two.
- We don't need an Act Two.
Don't forget Fad King. We
don't need an Act Two?
We just have to hold their interest
for 11 days till the election.
It's a teaser.
It's a teaser. Absolutely right.
- Grace!
- Yeah.
- Teaser.
They're getting a really good
reaction on the Albanian thing.
Hello, John, you two-bit redneck
shitkicker. How the heck are you?
Get out. Get out.
He's got a new wife.
Right now, he's riding in a pickup
truck with a shotgun and a dog.
Listen, listen. We needed
you here yesterday.
All right? Yes? Come on.
Get your ass out here.
The president wonders about
the possible Albanian backlash.
You can't have a war without an enemy.
We could have one, but it
would be a very dull war.
How long do we need him here for?
We're done in 11 days.
Eleven days, John. We need you.
You want to write a song for us?
Is there gonna be a
back end on this thing?
What?
Is there gonna be a
back end on this thing?
What? Back end?
Yeah. You know.
Percentage points, money.
Yeah, count on it.
Where is the back end coming from?
Lots of cash, John.
- It's like a thing with yellow ribbon.
- Thing with the yellow ribbon?
- Yeah. The hostages.
- Hostages?
They tied the yellow
ribbons around everything.
Yeah. But that was a
naturally occurring...
That was a put-up job?
All right. Grace! Grace!
Yes. What?
Jezz!
I want you to get Johnny a ticket. OK?
- Fad King on two.
- Ok.
He's riding in a pickup truck
right now with a shotgun and a dog.
Are you shitting me?
King, listen, got a thing
here, product placement.
Of course there's a back end.
- It can't be a ribbon.
- What's wrong with a ribbon?
Because, AIDS has the
yellow ribbon thing.
Fuck ribbons.
Look. Canada. Ok?