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To the men and women
of Unit 303...
to my fellow citizens,
l say, "Courage, Mom."
l have informed Albania
that we will not rest...
until the safe return
of Sergeant Schumann.
l'm told his unit mates gave him
the nickname "Old Shoe."
Wasn't there a folk song
called "Old Shoe?"
Do you remember that?
Something like...
l don't know.
l can vaguely remember it.
Do you know
what l'm talking about?
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Good night and God bless.
Trump that, Senator Neal,
you Howdy-Doody-looking vontz.
As we reported earlier, U.S.
Serviceman Willie Schumann...
remains missing behind
enemy lines...
lt's all thinking ahead.
That's what producing is.
lt's like being a plumber.
Do your job right,
nobody should notice.
When you fuck up,
everything gets full of shit.
...symbol of
the military team...
Sergeant William Schumann,
the "Old Shoe."
Let's line up the president
for the Peace Prize.
Our job ends on election day.
Come on.
Just for the symmetry
of the thing?
That's right.
lf Kissinger can win
the Peace Prize...
l wouldn't be surprised
if l'd won the Preakness.
But our guy did bring peace.
But there wasn't a war.
All the greater accomplishment.
Where's the money--
where's the tie-in
with throwing away shoes?
Who pays you for that?
You throw away shoes.
What are you gonna do?
Buy new ones.
We have some powerful
new friends...
at the lnternational Association
of Shoe Manufacturers.
You guys sure get around.
Fad King is my hero.
Want to go first?
Sure.
Attaboy.
History, Connie.
Those are ratty shoes.
That's why
we're flinging them away.
You want to try some?
Go ahead.
Attaboy.
Do it again.
Go ahead. Have a ball.
Watch this.
Go on, tell your friends.
This is interesting.
l have just been handed this.
Something just discovered.
A 1930s recording, part of
the folk song collection...
of the Library of Congress...
and a fitting song,
if l may say so, about Shoe.
Schumann
is the military soldier...
who's been left behind
enemy lines...
Jim, can l get a word with you?
Would you like to comment
on Albania?
There is one thing
l'd like to say.
This is to the Albanians
that have this man.
l mean this from the bottom
of my heart as one of your race.
l didn't know Jim Belushi
was Albanian.
The search
for Willie Schumann continues...
As soon as we land,
l want a reflexologist.
Male or female?
The White House
wants to know about...
the Congressional Medal
of Honor.
-What about it?
-For Schumann.
Wait a minute.
We got 86% in favor.
We bring him back tomorrow,
charts don't go down.
l don't want to tell them
how to do their business...
but why don't they do it
after the election?
Makes more sense,
and it'll help them more.
When are you bringing him back?
King, show him the thing.
-lt's not done yet.
-Show it to him.
Talk about enlarging the market.
Tell him.
Here it is. Artist's rendering
of the memorial.
The memorial?
That's the memorial
of the fallen.
Of the Albanian campaign.
-Lovely.
-lt's better than lovely.
This guy made a deal
with Governor Kneehigh--
Senator Leahy.
You should see the granite
you have to put in this thing.
Got a site picked out
and everything.
The beauty part is...
guess who retains
the merchandising rights.
Show him the clock?
Got it as a clock.
Lovely.
-Let's go.
-When's Schumann coming back?
Getting him right now.
l need his neck size.
l think it's 17 1/2.
Thinking 17 1/2
is not good enough.
l'm an artist,
not a factory worker.
What did he eat
behind enemy lines?
Birds, snakes.
Bullshit. He ate
tiny cheeseburgers in tin foil.
Pull a string,
they heat themselves.
We call Burger King,
Johnny Rockets.
We get the Shoe Burger
with cheese and 303 sauce...
"Behind enemy lines or anytime."
That's the slogan.
l got the copyright
on the Albanian kitten thing.
l'm gonna call Nike,
get Rodman to dye his hair.
We'll have a sneaker--
"Air Leopard."
...a

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