that.
It's a suitcase bomb.
You don't need missiles.
You can put a bomb
in a suitcase.
That's good.
A suitcase bomb.
It's a suitcase bomb.
When it's cooking, it's cooking.
We're cooking, and it's in...
Canada. All right?
Albanian terrorists
have placed a suitcase bomb...
in Canada in an attempt
to infiltrate it into the USA.
- That's good.
- That's terrific.
I'll tell you why.
It is cost effective.
It's producing.
That's what it is.
- It's really great.
- I could tell you stories.
Cecil B. De Mille,
The Greatest Show on Earth...
he needs an elephant.
I got the president on the line.
One minute.
Needs an elephant for a reshoot.
Know what he does?
Ames here. Yes, sir?
You listening?
- Nobody's listening.
- I'm listening.
- The suitcase bomb.
- Good title for a movie.
Please, write it down.
Don't editorialize.
The thinking is, terrorism.
Act One:
Albania denies everything.
The president comes on the air,
"Be calm."
Know what I need?
Get me Johnny Dean,
Liz Butsky, and the Fad King.
Isn't Johnny Dean in the...
Back in Nashville.
- Act Two.
- We don't need an Act Two.
Don't forget Fad King.
We don't need an Act Two?
We just have to hold
their interest for 11 days.
It's a teaser.
Absolutely right.
Grace. Teaser.
They're getting a good reaction
on the Albanian thing.
Hello, John, you two-bit
redneck shitkicker.
How the heck are you?
Get out.
He's got a new wife.
He's riding in a pickup truck
with a shotgun and a dog.
We need you here yesterday.
All right?
Get your ass out here.
The president wonders about
the possible Albanian backlash.
You can't have a war
without an enemy.
We could, but it would be dull.
How long do we need him?
We're done in 11 days.
Eleven days. We need you.
You want to write a song for us?
Is there gonna be a back end?
Is there a back end?
Back end?
Percentage points, money.
Count on it.
Where is the back end
coming from?
It's like
that yellow ribbon thing.
The hostages.
They tied the yellow ribbons
around everything.
But that was
a naturally occurring...
That was a put-up job?
I want you to get Johnny
a ticket.
Fad King on two.
He's riding in a pickup truck
with a shotgun and a dog.
Are you shitting me?
King, got a thing here,
product placement.
Of course there's a back end.
- It can't be a ribbon.
- What's wrong with a ribbon?
AIDS has
the yellow ribbon thing.
Fuck ribbons.
Canada.
Our neighbor to the north...
all of a sudden transformed
into that place from whence...
like the north wind,
terror comes.
I like that. Keep talking.
What guards us against Canada?
I guard the Canadian border.
Mounties guard the border.
Mountie hats.
Stupid fucking hats.
Davy Crockett had a hat.
You could crush them
and put them in your pocket.
You can't put a mountie hat
in your pocket.
You see this?
This is what producing is.
You put me in a room
with talent... electric.
I'm thinking armbands.
- Armbands is good.
- I'm thinking green.
Last year, the number one color
in new cars was green.
- People like green.
- Hunter.
Hunter green.
Strong, pride, dignity.
Not Kelly green.
I like it with a hat.
- Maybe.
- You see that?
Sit on my lap if you love me...
but don't put your hand
down there.
I didn't mean...
We'll take a short nap.
I thought you should see it.
It shouldn't be a song.
I'm glad that your mama's
not here.
Don't do a song about it.
I thought it was funny.
Sit on my lap...
I don't think it's appropriate
for what we're doing.
I just meant for you to see it.
I guard the Canadian border.
The president spent the weekend
pressing the flesh.
He wasn't campaigning.
He was dating, actually.