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sleep in my room
if you were growing on my ass.
Check it out.
Old man Marley.
Who's he?
You ever heard of the South Bend
Shovel Slayer?
That's him.
In '58 he murdered his whole family
and half the people on his block...
...with a snow shovel.
Been hiding out
in this neighborhood ever since.
If he's the shovel slayer,
how come the cops don't arrest him?
Not enough evidence to convict.
They never found the bodies.
Everyone around here knows he did it.
It'll just be a matter of time...
...before he does it again.
What's he doing?
He walks up and down the streets
every night...
...salting the sidewalks.
Maybe he's just trying to be nice.
No way.
See that garbage can full of salt?
That's where he keeps his victims.
The salt turns the bodies
into mummies.
Mummies!
Look out!
How you kids doing?
Good?
Lot of action around here today, huh?
Going on vacation?
Where you going?
You hear me, or what?
Going on a trip?
Where you going, kid?
Okay, that's $122.50.
Not from me, kid. I don't live here.
You just around for the holidays?
You could say that.
- Pizza's here!
- There you go.
That's $122.50.
It's my brother's house.
He'll get it.
Hey, listen...
- Are you Mr. McCallister?
- Yeah.
The Mr. McCallister who lives here?
Good, because somebody owes me $122.50.
I'd like a word with you.
Am I under arrest or something?
There's always a lot of burglaries
around the holidays.
We're checking the neighborhood to see
if the proper precautions are taken.
We have automatic timers for our
lights, locks for our doors.
That's about as well
as anybody can do.
- Did you get some eggnog?
- Come on.
- Let's eat.
- Come on.
- Eggnog?
- Pizza!
- Are you gonna be leaving...?
- Pizza!
Grab a napkin
and pour your own drinks.
- Does Santa go through customs?
- What time do we have to go to bed?
Early. We're leaving at 8 a.m.
On the button.
I hope you're all drinking milk.
I want to get rid of it.
- Pizza boy needs $122.50, plus tip.
- For pizza?
Ten pizzas times 12 bucks.
- You've got money.
- Traveler's checks.
Forget it, Frank. We have cash.
You probably got the checks
that don't work in France.
Did anyone order me a plain cheese?
Yeah. But if you want any...
...somebody's gonna have to barf it up
because it's gone.
Fuller! Go easy on the Pepsi.
Kev! Kev, get a plate.
- Passports!
- Watch it!
No, no. Get these passports
out of here.
Are you okay, honey? Come here.
Are you all right?
What is the matter with you?
He started it!
He ate my pizza on purpose.
He knows I hate sausage and olives...
Look what you did, you little jerk!
Get upstairs now.
Why?
You're such a disease.
- Shut up!
- Kevin, upstairs!
- Say good night, Kevin.
- "Good night, Kevin."
Why do I get treated like scum?
I'm sorry. This house is just crazy.
We've got all these extra kids
running around.
My brother's in from Ohio.
It's nuts.
How come you didn't bring
more cheese pizzas?
Nice tip. Thanks.
Having a reunion?
My husband's brother transferred
to Paris. His kids are still here.
He missed the family,
so he invited us to Paris...
...so we'll be together.
You're taking a trip to Paris?
Yes, we leave tomorrow morning.
Excellent. Excellent.
If you'll excuse me, this one's
a little out of sorts.
Don't worry about me.
I spoke to your husband.
And don't worry about your home.
It's in good hands.
There are 15 people, and only you
have to make trouble.
I'm getting dumped on.
You're the only one acting up.
Now get upstairs.
I am upstairs, dummy!
The third floor?
- Go.
- It's scary up there.
Fuller'll be up in a little while.
I don't want to sleep with Fuller.
He wets the bed.
He'll pee all over me. I know it.
We'll put him somewhere else.
I'm sorry.
It's too late. Get upstairs.
Everyone in this family hates me!
Then ask Santa for a new family.
I don't want a new family. I don't
want any family. Families suck!
Stay up there. I don't want
to see you again

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