night?
That has nothing to do with this.
All I'm asking for is help.
Because you tried to turn this dinner
into a damn Norman Rockwell painting.
Please don't put this on the counter.
See this black stuff?
It gets in the porcelain,
and then on my fingers.
I'll make an effort.
And make an effort to put these
wrappers in the trash. Or flush them.
You want me to waste
8 gallons of water -
- so you don't have to see
paper with "Tampax" written on it?
You didn't even say "Tampax".
Does it offend you that much?
- Just hit the trash can or the toilet.
- I'll work on my dunk shot.
You don't need all that shit.
You look pretty the way you are.
You look great the way you are.
Why do you wear all that stuff?
To impress your boss?
- Bernie says you go out with him.
- I used to. It's no big secret.
- Then why didn't I know about it?
- You never asked.
- Did you sleep with him?
- No, we were bowling partners.
So you fucked him, and you see him
every goddam day. That's just great.
I'm not sleeping around. If that's what
you want, then have the balls to say so.
- Where are you going?
- I'm not staying here.
- I'll leave.
- Don't be ridiculous. You live here.
We live here!
He is not worth it.
- I hate that number they play.
- Establishing dominance?
I feel like a fire hydrant
that's been pissed on.
Maybe it's job-related.
He does sell toilet paper.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I feel like we're
a couple of kids playing house.
- What's it supposed to be like?
- Holidays are hard on some guys.
That's not it. I used the big "L" word.
You tell someone you love them
and all you get is a headache.
- What's going on?
- There's someone I want you to meet.
- Nice to meet you. Excuse the attire.
- She had a blowout with her boyfriend.
Guys can be real assholes sometimes.
Get some sleep and it'll all get fixed
in the morning. He'll come around.
And if he doesn't,
you can always move back in here.
"And then an angel of the Lord
descended upon the Virgin Mary"
- What's "descended"?
- Came down from out of the sky.
"And then an angel of the Lord
descended upon the Virgin Mary ... "
What's a virgin?
- That is someone who's never had sex.
- What's sex?
- Sex is how men and women make babies.
- Are you a virgin?
- No.
- So you have a baby?
No ... Men and women
who don't want babies, also have sex.
- What for?
- For about 10 or 1 5 minutes.
And Santa came down the chimney ...
Dan, hold on a second.
There's a broad who's dying
to meet you. Come here.
This is Carmen. This is Danny.
Bernie says you want to go dancing
later on. Like, what time?
I have to take a rain check tonight.
Come dancing.
We'll go to my place, have a party.
- Play "Spin the Pickle".
- I can't. There's been tension at home.
I'm sorry about that, Dan.
But Carmen is a sure thing. She's hot.
She'll grab yourjoint
on the dance floor.
Merry Christmas, Bernie.
Yeah, merry Christmas, Danny.
My friend, Alan. How are you?
Hold this for me, please.
- Don't you think about me anymore?
- Sure.
- What we had was pretty good.
- It was fine.
Remember last year's party?
What we did in here?
- Steve, don't. Just turn on the lights.
- I couldn't keep you from laughing.
- There's somebody else now.
- I don't see a ring.
I don't need a ring, asshole.
Look at me. Don't I look different?
I'm in love, can't you tell?
This has never happened to me before.
I want to have ten kids with this guy.
Jesus, doesn't it show?
Does he love you?
I don't know.
Good luck.
This is my boss, Steve.
This is Dan.
Take it easy, it's alright.
Take it easy.
This is great, honey.
- You look very elegant in that suit.
- My girlfriend picked it out.
She did?
To you ... to me ... to us.
And to a happy New Year.
Like it?
I used pecans in the dressing.
This is Bernie. You with your girl?
Get your ass down to Mother's now.
- Bernie?
- What's left of him. He's at Mother's.
Everybody's at Mother's.
- Let's go.
-