of this.
You shouldn't put yourself out
on Bernie's account.
It's for Joan, too. My friend.
Could you please put the cranberry sauce
in that dish?
All of these airs and graces are for Joan.
No, it's for both of them.
At least Joan's used to sitting down
while she eats.
Yeah, yeah, she's a real lady, that one.
Look, you want me to make Bernie
feel right at home?
I'll serve him a fistful of white bread
and a hunk of Velveeta, okay?
Hey, he is a better human being than
that bitch on wheels you've got for a friend.
You know, she's been trying
to sabotage us from day one.
And Bernie's been really
full of comfort and support.
He hates my guts, and I'm busting my ass
cooking this seven-course meal for him.
I did all the hard stuff.
- You did not!
- I did, too.
- Danny, please! You did not!
- I did, too!
I made the mashed potatoes.
I made the stuffing.
I did the salad. You cooked the turkey.
You son of a bitch!
I did all the shopping, all the preparation.
I mean, look at this goddamn spread!
- Joanie!
- Hi.
God, she looks great.
And she baked us a pie. That's terrific.
Your vulgarian friend is downstairs
denting innocent people's fenders.
Yo, Litko!
Nice feed.
You know, Dan, you got a terrific little
homemaker there. You know that?
And there goes the gun
ending the first half of this...
Hey. Guess who's been asking about you
down at shipping?
- Carmen?
- Carmen.
- Yeah, what did she say?
- Yeah.
Come on, man, I can't tell you.
You're practically a married man.
Come on, what did she say?
Basically, she has this desire
to grab yourjoint! She wants your...
Shut up. Touchdown!
Touchdown! No, no, no. Touch! Touchdown!
Well, it's official. I've become my mother.
- So, did he help at all?
- Hardly. I hate this spoon.
So, let me tell you about Gary.
He's tall. He's nice to me.
He's intelligent,
and he doesn't make me sleep
in the wet spot.
It's a trick. I bet he's a shit.
No, really, I think that he is truly concerned
with my happiness.
Good. Then he'll be a big help next year
when we all come to your house
for Thanksgiving.
Well, now, he's already asked me out
for New Year's.
And did I mention that he is a lawyer?
Nothing.
I have to meet him at Yvette's
in a half an hour,
so what do you say we smoke this now?
God, I haven't been stoned in ages.
He doesn't like to smoke.
That's probably why I haven't been stoned.
Good, Deb.
Do I seem different to you?
All I'm saying is that maid service
is not included in the package.
And if you want to put on
this little domestic show in the future,
be ready to handle the weight, okay?
- Okay?
- Okay.
I should have, but I didn't.
But I'm not always gonna do what you want,
when you want,
according to your grand plan
of the way things should be.
- I don't have any grand plan.
- Who invented sandwich night?
That has nothing to do with this.
All I'm asking for is a little help.
Yeah, because you tried
to turn this nice dinner
into a goddamn Norman Rockwell painting.
Would you please not put this on
the counter? You see this black stuff?
This gets in the little cracks in the porcelain,
and then I get it on my fingers.
I'll make an effort.
And would you make an effort to please
put these wrappers in the trashcan?
Or why don't you just flush them?
- What?
- Flush them!
You want me to waste eight gallons of water
so that you don't have to look at
a piece of paper
with the word "Tampax" written on it?
You didn't even say "Tampax."
You had to say "those wrappers."
Does it offend you that much?
No, I just want you to hit the trashcan
or the toilet, not the floor.
Fine. I'll work on my dunk shot.
What I'm trying to say to you
is you don't need a lot of this shit.
I think you look pretty the way you are.
No. You look great just the way you are.
Some of us have to work at it.
Why do you wear all this stuff?
- To impress your boss?
- No.
You know that Bernie says
Joan says you go out with