treated differently because,
uh, coach thinks I'm a winner.
So does my old man.
I'm not a winner because
I want to be one.
I'm a winner because
I got strength and speed,
kind of like a racehorse.
That's about how involved
I am in what's happening to me.
Yeah?
That's very interesting.
Now why don't you tell me why
you're really in here.
Forget it.
Claire? Want to see a picture
of a guy with elephantiasis
of the nuts?
It's pretty tasty.
No, thank you.
How do you think
he rides a bike?
Claire?
Would you consider
dating a guy like this?
- Can't you just leave me alone?
- I mean, if he had
a great personality...
was a good dancer
and had a cool car?
You'd probably have to
ride in the backseat because
his nuts would ride shotgun.
You know what I wish
I was doing?
Watch what you say.
Brian here is a cherry.
- A cherry?
- I wish I was in a plane...
- to France.
- I'm not a cherry.
- When have you ever gotten laid?
- I've laid lots of times.
- Name one.
- She lives in Canada.
I met her at Niagara Falls.
You wouldn't know her.
Ever laid anyone around here?
Oh.
You and Claire did it?
- What are you talking about?
- Nothing. Nothing.
Let's just drop it, okay?
We'll talk about it later.
- What are you talking about?
- Brian's trying to tell me...
that in addition to the number of giris
in the Niagara Falls area...
that presently you and he
are riding the hobby horse.
- Little pig.
- No, I'm not.
John said I was a cherry,
and I said I wasn't.
That's all that was said.
Then what were you
motioning to Claire for?
- I don't appreciate this
very much, Brian.
- He is lying.
You weren't motioning
to Claire?
You know he's lying, right?
Were you or were you not
motioning to Claire?
Yeah, but it was only...
It was only because
I didn't want her
to know I was a virgin.
Excuse me for
being a virgin. I'm sorry.
Why didn't you want me
to know you were a virgin?
Because it's personal business.
It's my personal, private
business.
Well, Brian, it doesn't sound
like you're doing any business.
I think it's okay
for a guy to be a virgin.
You do?
What's in there?
Guess.
Where's your lunch?
You're wearing it.
You're nauseating.
What's that?
- Sushi.
- Sushi?
Rice, raw fish
and seaweed.
You won't accept
a guy's tongue in your mouth,
and you're gonna eat that?
Can I eat?
I don't know.
Give it a try.
What's your problem?
What are we having?
Uh, it's your standard,
regular lunch, I guess.
Milk?
Soup.
Uh, that's apple juice.
I can read.
PB&J with the crusts cut off.
Well, Brian, this is
a very nutritious lunch.
All the food groups
are represented.
Did your mom
marry Mr. Rogers?
No, Mr. Johnson.
Hah.
Here's my impressiуn of
the life at big Bri's house.
Son?
Yeah, Dad?
How's your day, pal?
Great, Dad.
How's yours?
Super.
Say, son, how'd you like
to go fishing this weekend?
Great, Dad.
But I've got homework to do.
That's all right, son.
You can do it on the boat.
Gee!
Dear, isn't our son swell?
Yes, dear.
Isn't life swell?
Oh.
Oh.
All right.
What about your family?
Who, mine?
It's real easy.
Yeah.
Stupid, worthless,
no-good...
goddamn freeloading
son of a bitch.
Retarded, big mouth,
know-it-all, asshole, jerk.
You forgot ugly,
lazy and disrespectful.
Shut up, bitch!
Go fix me a turkey potpie.
What about you, Dad?
Fuck you.
No, Dad.
What about you?
Fuck you!
No, Dad. What about you?
Fuck you!
Bam!
- Is that for real?
- You want to come over sometime?
That's bullshit.
It's all part of your image.
- I don't believe a word of it.
- You don't believe me?
No.
No?
Did I stutter?
Do you
believe this? Huh?
It's about
the size of a cigar.
Do I stutter?
See, this is what you get
in my house when you spill