do everything
everybody tells you to do.
That is a problem.
Okay, fine.
But I didn't dump my purse
out on the couch...
and invite people
into my problems, did I?
So what's wrong?
What is it?
[Sighs]
Is it bad?
Real bad?
Parents?
Yeah.
What did they do to you?
They ignore me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What did you wanna be
when you were young?
When I was a kid,
I wanted to be John Lennon.
Carl, don't be a goof.
I'm trying to make
a serious point here.
Carl, I've been teaching
for 22 years.
And each year, these kids
get more and more arrogant.
Oh, bullshit, man.
Come on, Vern.
- The kids haven't changed,
you have.
- [Sighs]
You took a teaching position
'cause you thought
it'd be fun, right?
Thought you could have
summer vacations off.
And then you found out
it was actually work.
That really bummed you out.
These kids turned on me.
They think
I'm a big fucking joke.
Come on.
Listen, Vern. If you were 16,
what would you think of you?
Hey, Carl, you think
I give one rat's ass
what these kids think of me?
Yes, I do.
You think about this.
When you get old, these kids...
when I get old... they're gonna be
running the country.
[Chuckles]
Yeah.
Now this is the thought
that wakes me up
in the middle of the night.
When I get older,
these kids are gonna
take care of me.
I wouldn't count on it.
What would I do
for a million bucks?
I guess I'd do
as little as I had to.
That's boring.
Well, how am I
supposed to answer?
The idea is to, like, search your mind
for the absolute limit.
Like, um... would you
drive to school naked?
[Chuckles]
Um... would I have to
get out of the car?
- Of course.
- In the spring or winter?
[Claire]
Doesn't matter. Spring.
[Andy]
In front of the school
or in back of the school?
- Either one.
- Yes.
I'd do that.
I'll do anything sexual.
I don't need a million dollars
to do it either.
- You're lying.
- I already have.
I've done just about
everything there is, except
a few things that are illegal.
- I'm a nymphomaniac.
- Lie.
Are your parents
aware of this?
The only person I told
was my shrink.
What did he do
when you told him?
He nailed me.
Very nice.
I don't think that
from a legal standpoint...
what he did can be construed as rape
since I paid him.
- He's an adult.
- Yeah. He's married too.
Oh! Do you have any idea
how completely gross that is?
Well, the first
few times...
The first few times?
You mean, he did it
more than once?
Sure.
Are you crazy?
Obviously she's crazy
if she's screwing her shrink.
Have you ever done it?
[Scoffs]
I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Have you ever done it
with a normal person?
- Didn't we already cover this?
- You never answered the question.
Look. I'm not going to discuss
my private life with total strangers.
It's kind of a
double-edged sword, isn't it?
A what?
If you say you haven't,
you're a prude.
If you say you have,
you're a slut. It's a trap.
You want to,
but you can't.
And when you do, you wish
you didn't, right?
Wrong.
Or are you a tease?
She's a tease.
I'm sure.
Why don't you forget it?
You're a tease
and you know it.
All girls are teases.
- She's only a tease if what
she does gets you hot.
- I don't do anything!
- That's why you're a tease.
- Okay, let me ask you
a few questions.
I already
told you everything.
No.
Doesn't it bother you to sleep
around without being in love?
Don't you want respect?
I don't screw
to get respect.
That's the difference
between you and me.
[Scoffs]
It's not the only difference
I hope.
[Bender]
Face it, you're a tease.
I'm not a tease.
Sure you are.
Sex is your weapon.
You said it yourself.
You use it to get respect.
No, I never said that.
She twisted my words around.
- What do you use it for then?
- I don't use it, period!
Are you medically frigid
or is it psychological?
I didn't mean it that way.
You guys are putting words
into my mouth.
- Just answer the question.
- [Brian