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you, Bug?
Wait a minute.
Bug. Gnat.
Is there a similarity there?
Whoa, I think there is.
You understand
what I'm talking about?
I don't think you do.
I'll be right back.
I'm sorry.
I think you'd better split.
I don't want him going berserk
with an ax on me.
He's all talk.
Here it is!
Come on over!
I want to show it to you.
Maybe later.
He's gone in a few days.
Just relax.
I'll get him back.
That's a stupid thing to do
during flu season.
I bet she's getting the tongue.
Just looking.
Let me go in first.
I'll cover for you.
Give you more time to relax.
All right?
I'm Anita Hoargarth.
Buck Melanoma,
Moley Russell's wart.
Not her wart.
I'm the wart.
She's my tumor, my growth,
my pimple.
I'm "Uncle Wart."
Just old Buck "Wart" Russell,
they call me.
Or Melanoma Head.
They'll call me that.
"Melanoma Head's" coming.
I'm sor... Uncle, Maizy Russell's uncle.
I'm her uncle.
Her mother set up
this conference with you.
I'm assistant principal here...
as you've probably noticed
from the indications on the door.
- This door?
- The outer door!
The outer door.
'Cause there's nothing on this one.
That's about enough of that.
I've been an educator
for 31.3 years...
and in that time,
I've seen a lot of bad eggs.
I say "eggs" because
at the elementary level...
we are not dealing
with fully-developed individuals.
I see a bad egg
when I look at your niece.
She is a twiddler, a dreamer...
a silly heart
and she is a jabberbox.
And, frankly...
I don't think she takes a thing...
in her life or her career
as a student seriously.
She's only six.
That is not a valid excuse!
I hear that every day and I dismiss it.
I don't want to know a six-year-old
who isn't a dreamer or a silly heart.
I sure don't want to know one who
takes their student career seriously.
I don't have a college degree.
I don't even have a job.
Does anyone have a special story
to tell about something that happened?
My uncle was microwaving my socks...
and the dog threw up on the couch
for about an hour.
Honest? Why was your uncle
microwaving your socks?
He can't get the goddamn
washing machine to work.
I know a good kid when I see one.
Because they're all good kids...
until dried-out, brain-deadskags
like you...
drag them down and convince them
they're no good.
You so much as scowl at my niece
or any other kid in this school...
and I hear about it,
I'm coming looking for you.
Take this quarter.
Go downtown...
and have a rat gnaw that thing
off your face.
Good day to you, madam.
Ah, yeah!
Hi, Chanice.
This is Terry.
Walt Bern...
Would you get with the program?
Bernstein is his name.
I forgot to give you the number.
Don't get mad.
I hope somebody knows
what they're doing down there.
Chanice? Buck.
I hate these machines.
I'm just calling to say
I miss you.
I know you probably don't believe it,
but it's true.
No, I haven't been drinking.
I've been thinking a lot about you...
and what we've talked about
the past weeks.
I think about you all the time...
and about those two dimples
on your buns.
What did we call them?
The right was Lyndon
and the left was Johnson.
No, that was your boobs.
No, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey.
I remember that because of Disney World.
And Felix is what we called your...
Goddamn kids!
Okay, come on, you,
get in the house.
What are you doing out here
making all this noise?
Get in the house where you belong.
Come on!
- Who let the cat out?
- We don't have a cat.
Come on, get out.
Go on, shoo! Shoo!
Open up.
Hi. May I speak to Buck Russell?
This is a friend of his.
Chanice Kobolowski.
I'm sorry, Chanice.
He's not here right now.
- Can you tell me when he'll be back?
- He went out with Marcie.
The lady who lives across the street.
They usually stay out pretty late.
Do you want to leave a message?
No, there's no message.
No message.
- Is there a big

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