somebody miss me?
Was there a child to raise poorly?
Ross and Rachel don't know
what they're saying.
It's not like they're so responsible.
Emma is a product of a bottle of merlot
and a five-year-old condom.
No, but they're right. I'm not a strong
father figure, and I never will be.
No, you learn these things.
You grow into it.
Yeah, but it's not who I am.
Everything they said is exactly why I was
worried about having a kid. And it's true.
-And look, everybody knows it.
-I don't know it.
I wanna have a kid with you because
I think you'll be an amazing dad.
At the fun parts and at the hard parts.
Well, can you picture me saying,
"Go to your room, you're grounded"?
Can you hear me say,
"You're grounded"?
You said that to me last week.
How hard is it?
"No shoes on the furniture!"
The producer from Days left a message
asking why I wasn't at the parade.
They said everybody's really pissed off
at me. And they all got to meet Santa!
It's okay.
I thought of the perfect lie for you.
It's easy to remember,
and it doesn't invite a lot of questions.
You weren't at the parade
because you had a family emergency.
I like that! Yeah!
I wasn't at the parade
because I had a family emergency.
What happened?
-My sister's raccoon came--
-No, nothing with a raccoon!
-Wait, what are you doing?
-Setting the table.
We thought it might be nice
to use the fancy china for dessert too.
How nice. Maybe later we can all
blow our noses on my wedding dress.
Hey, dude, you okay?
Sorry about before.
That's okay. You're totally right. I don't
know anything about disciplining a child.
But it did hurt my feelings,
and I want you to know that if I die...
...you don't get Joey.
In case you hadn't noticed,
I'm not talking to you.
You know, this is just....
This is classic Rachel.
Right. Remember in high school when
I died and didn't give you my baby?
This might be my one chance
to have a child, Rachel.
I mean, you know that I have been
so busy focusing on my career....
-What career?
-I'm a decorator.
You decorate Dad's office
and now you're a decorator?
Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday,
now I'm a koala bear.
-Why can't you ever be supportive?
-You want to talk supportive?
You didn't come and visit me when
I was in the hospital having the baby!
You didn't come see me in the hospital
when I was getting my lips done!
I did the first time.
You know what? You want to know
why I am not giving Emily to you?
-Emma.
-Whose side are you on?!
I'm not giving you Emma because you
can't handle the responsibility of a child.
Well, how hard could it be?
You do it.
You wanna know why
you don't want me to have the baby?
Because you don't want me to be happy.
-You have always been jealous of me.
-Jealous of what?
Of your lack of responsibility?
Your immaturity?
Your total disregard
for other people's feelings?
To name a few.
You've always been like this.
You had to have everything,
and I couldn't have anything.
Like in junior high,
when you stole Timmy from me.
I mean, do you even realize
how much that hurt me?
Timmy was my boyfriend,
and you made out with him!
Come on, that was 20 years ago.
Get over it.
I cannot believe
that I invited you here today!
Yeah, well, you know what I cannot
believe? That my so-called sister...
...gets a 30% discount from Ralph
Lauren, and I still have to pay retail?
It's 45.
You bitch.
You just think you're so perfect...
...with your new baby
and your small apartment.
Well, let me tell you something.
Your baby isn't even that cute.
Too far, Amy. Too far.
-You take that back.
-No.
-Take it back!
-No. What are you gonna do? Make me?
Hey, man, I work out!
-So do I.
-I do Pilates.
-I do yoga.
-Bring it on!
Put the plates in the boxes!
Put the plates in the boxes!
-Did you just push me?
-Yeah, I think I did.
All right, that's it.
Forget the bubble wrap!
There isn't time!
Frizzy, frizzy, frizzy!
-Shouldn't we stop this?
-Are you